Posts Tagged With: funny

Day in the Life of an Author / Innkeeper

6:30 AM — Wake up to the gentle chirping of cellphone alarm.

6:31 AM — Nope. Still too tired. Re-set the alarm for 7:00 AM, fall back asleep.

7:00 AM — Wake up to the gentle chirping of cellphone alarm.

7:01 AM — Fall back asleep.

7:10 AM — Wake up in a panic, remembering that I do, in fact, have to get up.

7:15 AM — Realize I’ve been lying in a daze in bed instead of getting up.

7:16 AM — Proceed to washroom and get into the shower.

7:26 AM — Realize I’ve spent the last 10 minutes contemplating my novel instead of shampooing my hair.

7:45 AM — Escape shower, look at cellphone clock, realize I should already be downstairs, panic.

8:01 AM — Stagger downstairs, fully dressed and more-or-less awake.

8:05 AM — Start making breakfast for our guests.

8:37 AM — Stomach starts to gurgle, scavenge random odds and ends from fruit salad bowl, toast crumbs, ham slices, etc.

9:02 AM — Halfway through cooking four different dishes, run a platter of jam and maple syrup out to the dining room because Mother forgot to bring them.

9:03 AM — Stay on my “I’m so competent I never forget things” high horse for an entire minute before I realize I forgot to make bacon.

9:07 AM — Hover over the stove, with the bacon pan on high heat, begging the goddamn bacon slice to cook faster.

9:33 AM — Get the last meal plated and sent out to dining room, immediately start cleaning kitchen.

10:00 AM — Check out time! No one is ready to leave yet.

10:07 AM — Hover around kitchen, putting random stuff away, stomach rumbling, waiting for guests to leave so I can eat.

10:33 AM — Eat breakfast!!!

10:55 AM — Start cleaning.

11:55 AM — Still cleaning.

12:55 PM — Still cleaning.

1:55 PM — Still cleaning.

2:55 PM — Still cleaning, Mother is starting to panic we won’t finish in time for check-in, take off earphones so I am able to hear her freaking out and respond accordingly.

3:47 PM — Finished cleaning!!! Told you we’d be done in time, Mother. Pffft. Why do you continuously doubt me?

3:51 PM — Crap, didn’t make cookies.

3:52 PM — Make cookies.

4:00 PM — Check-in time! No one is here.

4:37 PM — First guests arrive! Give them tour of the house, get breakfast order, show them to their room.

4:41 PM — Sneak back downstairs, flip open laptop, open up my novel file, and try to get a few words in before the next guests show up.

4:44 PM — Next guests arrive.

5:26 PM — Tour done, guests safely in rooms, return to laptop and try to write some … nope. New reservation came in. Deal with reservation.

5:32 PM — Writing time!

5:33 PM — More guests arrive.

6:01 PM — Okay, now it’s writing time!

6:04 PM — Last guests arrive.

6:27 PM — Seriously, do I finally get to wr–nope, it’s time to water the garden. Come on …

7:33 PM — Gardening done! Stomach’s starting to rumble, so that means it’s time for din–

7:34 PM — Realize the grocery store closes at 8 PM, and we need about a gazillion things to make breakfast tomorrow.

8:00 PM — Stagger back into house loaded with grocery bags, unpack groceries.

8:06 PM — Dinner time! And then maybe after that I can retire up to my room, sit down, and finally get some writing done …

8:37 PM — Iron napkins for breakfast.

8:43 PM — Set table for breakfast.

8:52 PM — Help Mother fold fitted sheets.

9:01 PM — Get ice and glasses for guests who want to drink rum and coke before bed.

9:07 PM — Go to turn lights out in parlour, get drawn into discussion with guests about their vacation plans for tomorrow.

9:28 PM — Grab laptop and phone and run upstairs before anyone can ask me to do anything else.

9:31 PM — Finally, writing time! Open up laptop, put fingers to keys … and am so tired I can barely string two words together.

9:35 PM — Watch an episode of whichever show I’m currently binge-watching.

10:30 PM — Resolve to actually get some writing done tomorrow, crawl into bed, pass out.

 

Doom and gloom aside, I actually am really enjoying running a bed and breakfast! It’s just a lot of work. So. Much. Work. And I never get any writing done. It’s driving me crazy. Hopefully once Mother and I get more comfortable with being innkeepers, we’ll have more free time and then I can actually get some work done on Cerulean Bound. Until then … onwards and upwards!

 

Unrelated media of the day:

Truly excellent stock photos …

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Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , | 11 Comments

Throwback Friday: Imminent Danger Launch Party Recipes!

A good three or so years ago, the original version of Imminent Danger And How to Fly Straight into It was published one sunny January morning. And to celebrate the publication, I held a launch party!

The attendees were my friends and family (no one else knew about it back then), and we had a blast. We also consumed a number of truly ridiculous foodstuffs, all inspired by the Imminent Danger universe.

I pulled on a jacket yesterday, and discovered a sheet of Imminent Danger recipes in the pocket. Apparently I hadn’t worn it in three years. Whoops. But the blast from the past was very entertaining, and I thought I’d share the recipes here with you, in case you ever want to throw your own Imminent Danger party.

Note: Some of these recipes are good. Some are terrible. Use with caution.

20160519_215842Some of these were big hits — the mini Ssrisk ship blue rice krispie balls, for example, went over very well. The “Approach to Alpha Centauri” layered sandwich was delicious — I think we used about ten different kinds of meat in that thing, and at least five cheeses. The space jelly with cinnamon was apparently quite good, although I don’t eat jello so I can’t confirm or deny that.

The only one I think we didn’t end up making was the “Barlow Collegiate Institute Caesar Salad” — probably because I obviously only came up with that because I needed to serve something healthy, so I stuck a random place name at the front of “salad” to make it thematically appropriate. Sigh. My imagination giveth, and my imagination taketh away.

So, there you go! Recipes for all your Imminent Danger needs. Try them out and report back with your findings.

In other news, this week is my four year blogging anniversary! In honor of that, this weekend (May 21 and 22) I will be giving away on Amazon both Imminent Danger and Chasing Nonconformity for free!!! The ebook version, obviously, not the print version. So if you’ve always been meaning to read one/both of them, and haven’t had the chance yet, now’s the time! I’ll be posting about that again tomorrow to remind you.

Thanks for reading, have a great weekend, and stay awesome!

 

Unrelated media of the day:

Categories: My Works | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

Chasing Nonconformity Fanfiction!

Two years ago, an anonymous individual wrote a hilarious fanfiction for Imminent Danger. Now, they have returned with the sequel: Chasing Nonconformity And How to Apply Social Media to It. The premise, of course, being that the story is retold via social media. It’s excellent. Read it!

Or, if you don’t have time, here are a few of my favorite gems: ((POSSIBLE SPOILERS))

 

Grashk has changed his name to Big Blue!

Big Blue: Help! I think someone hacked my account! I don’t know how to change my name back!

Varrin Gara’dar: I’m sorry stranger, I don’t know who you are.

Big Blue has changed his name to Grouchy Smurf!

Grouchy Smurf: Goddamnit!

 

Fino’jin has rated Sebara on Rate Your Rala’kamil! Fino’jin has given Sebara one star!

Sebara: Seriously!? What did I ever do to you?

Fino’jin: Nothing personal; you’re just different, so I hate you. I hate things that are different. That’s why I declared war on snowflakes that one time. Each one is unique, so they’re all godless abominations.

 

Varrin Gara’dar: Come on guys, we have to get the Nonconformity back!

Eris Miller: Why don’t you give your promise pendant to the damn Nonconformity!?

Varrin Gara’dar: I TRIED AND IT FELL OFF, OKAY!?

 

Vardriga the Fortune Teller: The destination lies within your journey! What you seek is where you left it! Don’t stop believing!

Sebara: What a bunch of garbage. That’s what I get for listening to a fortune teller.

Vardriga the Fortune Teller: Oh also, you should probably watch out for giant metal spiders.

Sebara: Complete waste of time…

 

Sebara: Wait Fino’jin, don’t you see? You’re a metaphor for the conflict that everybody’s faced in their personal journeys! We all hated our lives on our home planets, because we didn’t like the paths that society set out for us. We’ve been spending the novel chasing nonconformity… and you, Fino’jin, represent that conformity. And now that we’ve all embraced who we are, we can defeat you!

Fino’jin: OH MY GOD I’M A LITERARY METAPHOR!!!

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , | 9 Comments

Awesome Book Dedications

I’m hard at work writing Cerulean Bound being on vacation and not accomplishing a darn thing, so I thought I’d brighten up your Monday a bit by sharing some excellent book dedications. These were collected on Imgur by PolarBlair924, so shout-out to him/her!

Thus, in no particular order, here are my favorites …

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , | 10 Comments

How To Pull Off the Perfect Crime

Tired of getting all your criminal how-to tips from heist movies? Well, look no further, my friend! I’ve got you covered. Follow this simple series of steps, and you too can become an infamous master criminal the likes of which the world has never seen.

How To Pull Off the Perfect Crime

  1. Spend years plotting the perfect crime. Obsess over every detail, cover your walls in newspaper clippings and hastily-scribbled notes on napkins–the works. It is literally impossible to overthink this. The perfect crime cannot be rushed!
  2. Today’s the day! But before you start your crime spree, you should definitely stock up on snacks. If things go south and you need to make a quick getaway, you’ll want nourishment for the road. So, head to your local convenience store and pick out some tasty foodstuffs.
  3. As you approach the counter, remember that you’re a master criminal the likes of which the world has never seen. You shouldn’t have to pay for a few bags of potato chips! Turn around and walk right out of that store without paying.
  4. The cashier is telling you to pay for the chips, or they’ll blow your head off with a shotgun. Ignore them. You’re a master criminal, and crime doesn’t pay.
  5. Flinch and duck when the cashier pulls out a shotgun and attempts to blow your head off.
  6. Do a graceful 180 degree spin and throw the chips at the cashier. While they’re perplexed by bags of potato chips flying at their face, dive over the counter and initiate a desperate grapple for possession of the shotgun.
  7. Successfully acquire the shotgun. You now have a loaded weapon, your face is caught on security cameras, and the cashier is cowering at your feet. It’s okay. You can still salvage this mess. I believe in you.
  8. Take the cashier hostage. Use some zipties to bind their hands, and throw them in the backseat of your getaway vehicle. Looks like you’re making your getaway a bit sooner than you’d expected. Don’t forget to grab some more chips before you leave, though. You earned them.
  9. Drive off down the highway, ignoring the whimpering cashier in the backseat. Whatever you do, do not speed. As far as you know, the cops aren’t on your tail yet. If you just drive the speed limit and keep a low profile–
  10. I told you not to speed! I know you’re in a hurry, but come on. Now you’ve got a cop car right behind you, flashing its lights and blaring its siren. You can’t pull over–you have a tied up cashier in the backseat. What are you going to do now, genius?
  11. Apparently you’ve decided to engage in a high-speed car chase. In a beat-up old car, on a half tank of gas, on a two-lane highway in the middle of nowhere. Where exactly are you planning on going? There aren’t any alleys you can hide in, or clever turns you can make to lose the cops. It’s literally a straight road. And there’s an eighteen-wheeler up ahead slowing down traffic. I know surrender doesn’t sound like a great option, but it’s starting to look like it might be your only–
  12. I stand corrected. Clearly, the best move here is to zoom out into oncoming traffic to pass the eighteen-wheeler. The cashier in the backseat is now screaming. Judging by the smell, they’ve also wet their pants. Or was that you? Either way, you should really consider cracking a window.
  13. Okay, so you’ve managed to put some distance between you and the cop thanks to some truly impressive reckless driving. You need to get off the highway. Right. Now.
  14. Take the next exit and zoom down the main street of a small fishing village on the coast. This is good. Villages mean multiple streets, which means you’ll at least have a chance of losing the cops. Turn down that alley there and–
  15. Or you could just keep rampaging down the main street. Sure. Whatever makes you happy. You should really consider turning, though, because I’m pretty sure the street ends up ahead and turns into a dock, and the last time I checked, this car isn’t amphibi–
  16. SPLOOSH.
  17. Goddammit.
  18. I really hope you know how to swim.

 

Unrelated media of the day:

Categories: Random | Tags: , , | 20 Comments

How to litter your manuscript with typos (in 9 easy steps!)

Yes, this is based on a recent personal experience. Want the details? Keep reading!

How to litter your manuscript with typos

  1. Create a character with a short name that could easily be found in many longer words — i.e., “Kat”
  2. Write 40,000 words of a story
  3. Realize that you prefer an alternate spelling — i.e., “Cat”
  4. Do a “Search All” and “Replace All” to change the spelling — i.e., “Kat” > “Cat”
  5. Write another 10,000 words
  6. Realize you prefer the first spelling
  7. Do a “Search All” and “Replace All” to change the spelling back — i.e., “Cat” > “Kat”
  8. Casually reread the story and realize you’ve created 218 typos — i.e., “sKatter”, “reloKated”, unsKathed”, “mediKations”
  9. Success!

This definitely just happened to me, and I spent twenty minutes using Ctrl+F to find all my ridiculously spelled words and fix them. Honestly not a big deal, but still a very silly thing I could have avoided. Ahh, the joys of NaNoWriMo!

 

Unrelated media of the day:

This is a fun little song where a YouTuber got his followers to send in clips of them playing musical instruments, and then put all the clips together into a surprisingly catchy tune.

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , | 39 Comments

How To Count To Ten

Today we’re tackling a tough topic, one that has caused a lot of people a lot of grief. Many are under the assumption that basic counting skills are something everyone has mastered. They are wrong. For every person out there who has successfully counted the fingers on their hands, there’s another person who spends hours staring at a calculator before bursting into heart-wrenching tears. This is not a joke. This is a serious issue plaguing millions–nay, dozens–of people on this planet. And today, I’m here to provide the answer.

If you’re ever in a situation where you need to count to ten and can’t remember how, just follow these simple instructions:

How To Count To Ten

  1. Start at one.
  2. Add one and one together. That gives you two.
  3. Add another one. One plus one plus two plus one is five.
  4. Wait a minute …
  5. Okay, forget that. We’re on step five now. Let’s start from here. Five.
  6. Six.
  7. I’m pretty sure it starts with an S. Or maybe a Z. Zeven?
  8. I forget this next one. It’s like a sideways infinity symbol. Or a not-so-jolly snowman who was robbed of his hat, eyes, nose, mouth, and arms.
  9. I know there’s a four in here somewhere …
  10. F**k it.

So there you go! A simple and foolproof way to count to ten. Never again will first-graders laugh mockingly at you for your inferior counting skills. The world is your oyster, my friend! Fish it out of the ocean of potential, crack it open, and dig out that lustrous pearl of limitless possibility!

 

Unrelated media of the day:

Since it’s Halloween tomorrow …

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , | 8 Comments

Pro Editing Tip: Remove Filter Words

Today’s editing tip is courtesy of the glorious Nicholas C Rossis, who was kind enough to beta read Chasing Nonconformity. (Note: Yes, I’ve finally started revisions! Book should be out by summer’s end! Huzzah!)

In his excellent beta reading notes, he mentioned my overuse of “filter words”. These are, essentially, words that make the world seem as if it’s being filtered through the character’s eyes.

So, for example:

With filter: Gabby felt her heart shatter into 1,558,309 pieces.

Without filter: Gabby’s heart shattered into 1,558,309 pieces.

Another example:

With filter: Humphrey heard someone squawk violently.

Without filter: Someone squawked violently.

One more:

With filter: Olivia saw the duck transmogrify into a treble clef.

Without filter: The duck transmogrified into a treble clef.

Removing filter words will both tighten up your writing, as well as help to remove that extra layer of distance between you and the character. And removing distance is always a good thing. Not removing distance leads to separation anxiety, which leads to my roommate’s dog literally crashing through the screen door to reach her owner.

To learn more about filter words, the extraordinary Nicholas C Rossis recommends this article. Seeing as I’ve now described him as both “glorious” and “extraordinary”, I’m confident we can trust his good judgment.

To infinity and beyond!

 

Unrelated media of the day:

Random Harry Potter jokes, because my roommate has been marathoning the HP movies and it seems appropriate …

Source: http://imgur.com/gallery/QO5Z6

 

Reminder: Imminent Danger is free to download today (July 6, 2015) — grab it if you haven’t read it yet!

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | 14 Comments

YA Dystopian Cliches

Before you check out the awesome cliches below, I advise you to put it in your calendar to hop over to Amazon tomorrow, because Imminent Danger is free to download Saturday-Monday!

* * *

All credit for these goes to https://twitter.com/DystopianYA.

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , | 11 Comments

Awesome Review-That’s-Not-A-Review

I’ve been meaning to share this for a while now, but I keep forgetting. Anyway, today’s the day!

Back in April, I got a new review for Imminent Danger, and I basically died laughing because it was so ridiculous. Here it is, in all its screencapped glory:

silly review

I wish they’d attached more stars to the review, but it’s still pretty phenomenal the way it is.

That’s all, folks! Happy Canada Day for all you Canadians out there, and for everyone else, have a sunny and wonderful Wednesday!

 

Unrelated media of the day:

Categories: My Works | Tags: , , , , | 17 Comments

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