Posts Tagged With: funny

Up Up And Away!

Just checking in to let everyone know that I’m headed off for vacation with my mother and brother, and will return in approximately 2 weeks. I figured I should tell you, just in case anyone thought my prolonged absence indicated that I had been carried off by the abominable snowman. Which is a reasonable assumption, considering the excessive amounts of snow currently attempting to bury my house.

In unrelated news, my roommate’s dog just ran up to me and slobbered all over my pants. So that’s something, I guess.

And that’s pretty much all I got. Adios, my friends!

Unrelated media of the day:

((Adult language warning))

Categories: Random | Tags: , | 7 Comments

KDP Free Days — IMGUR Comments Edition

As you may have read in my last post, last weekend I did a free download for my book via Amazon KDP. On a whim, I posted an infographic about my book on IMGUR. This netted some excellent comments, which I thought I might share with you today.

Thus, in no particular order, I present to you: IMGUR comments!

Some commenters were honestly interested in learning more about my book:

1

2

While others were befuddled by the plot summary:

11

Some were intrigued by my awkward-to-pronounce surname:

4

While others just wanted to share a nice ham sandwich:

3

Some were surprisingly helpful and offered good advice:

13

While others were not so helpful:

6

9

Some regaled me with facts about entomology:

10

While others clued me into the harsh realities of life:

5

And finally, there were many, many comments about my appearance:

7

8

12Okay, that last one was sort of nice, lol. Ah, the joys of the internet!

 

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , | 8 Comments

Tweets from the Worst Cruise Line Ever

I dug up an old thumb drive and was going through some old files when I discovered a document called “YOLO Cruise”. It appears to consist of a series of “tweets” that I created, written by the world’s worst cruise line. Some of them were pretty funny, so I thought I’d share. I’ll also post them on my Twitter page (@michellishelli), because why the heck not?

Without further ado, I present to you: Tweets from the Worst Cruise Line Ever!

Captain completely plastered. If you can still walk in a straight line, report to command deck ASAP. #captainforaday #yolocruise

All lifeboats now replaced with bottles of rum. In case of ship evacuation, drink rum and use bottle as flotation device. #yohoho #yolocruise

Lost the first mate. Our stay in Barbados now extended until we find him, or until we run out of power, whichever comes first. #marcopolo #yolocruise

Random shore excursion day! Pick a bus and hope the fates are with you. #eeniemeenie #yolocruise

Our tech guys screwed up. From now on, there will be roving wireless hotspots. Grab your laptop and get moving, because the hotspots never stay in one place for long. #battleroyale #yolocruise

Chefs went on strike, so we tossed them overboard. Anyone with cooking experience (fast food counts), report to Deck 9. All volunteer cooks will get a chance to loot the chefs’ cabins. #omnomnom #yolocruise

Unrelated media of the day:

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Imminent Danger 8-Bit Coaster!

As you know, I’m running an IndieGoGo campaign to support the re-publication of my book. In an attempt to drum up more interest in the campaign, I’ve decided to start sharing some of the awesome perks you can get via this awesome campaign.

Today I present to you an 8-bit Imminent Danger coaster, created by the lovely and talented Denise Gow-Morse.

8bit coaster

The character featured on the coaster is of course Eris Miller, feisty protagonist of Imminent Danger And How to Fly Straight into It, presented in her signature purple camo pants and shiny silver top.

Want your own Imminent Danger 8-bit coaster? Pop over to the campaign and acquire one of the following perks:

  • Swag Bag ($25)
  • Ultimate Fan Pack ($50)
  • How Are You Even This Awesome? ($100)
  • Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? ($200)
  • This Is Getting Ridiculous ($500)

That’s all for today! As always, please please please share this campaign with your assorted social circles and I will be eternally and forever in your debt (whichever is longer).

Note: If anyone’s in the market for a custom 8-bit creation of their own, Denise will make them for $5-$15 + shipping (contact her at gow_denise@hotmail.com).

 

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Categories: Self Publishing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

SHWOOP Editing Session #1

I know, I know — what the heck is a “SHWOOP Editing Session?”

That’s what I’m calling my nightly editing sessions with my mother as we attempt to cut Chasing Nonconformity from 106k down to under 100k. And, obviously, revise the book to make it better. It’s not just about chopping out sentences, people!

You may recall mother and I doing something similar for the first book in the series, Imminent Danger. I actually managed to film one of those sessions, resulting in a vlog that still amuses me to this day.

Right. So we’ve started up a new round of editing for the sequel, and it’s going about as well as can be expected. Sadly I can’t record any of these sessions, as we now live in different cities and I don’t know how to record a Google Hangout. If anyone does know, tell me!

And now for the fun stuff.

I attempted to live-tweet the event, which was complicated by the fact that Twitter baffles and frustrates me. That being said, here are 3 of the tweets I did manage to get out into the interwebs:

shwoop 3

shwoop 1

shwoop 2

I’ve also got a couple of quotes from myself and my mother to amuse you:

Me: *opens chapter 1*
Mom: Wait, I haven’t read it. Is this how it starts?
Me: Yes, the content of chapter 1 is how the book starts.

Mom: I’m going to read it out loud as I go, because I’m assuming you’ve read it.
Me: Considering I wrote it …

Mom: What’s a word we use for cats?
Me: *what the heck what does that even mean*

Me: It’s like a big leaning tower of Pisa in space, and each level is a level. You can quote me on that.

Mom: *dying from laughter* Are you saying there’s no chance of her turning her communicator off, but there IS a chance she’d throw it down an air shaft?
Me: Yes.
Mom: *proceeds to laugh for another 3-5 minutes*

Oh! I also have a screencap of mom laughing, because why not:

3

Tune in next time for SHWOOP Editing Session #2!

 

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Categories: My Works, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Obligatory NaNoWriMo Post

NaNoWriMo approaches!

Before you ask, yes, I’ll be attempting the 50k word novelling challenge this year. I attempt it pretty much every year, although I haven’t succeeded since 2010 (when I wrote the first half of Chasing Nonconformity).

My novel project this year will be the third book in the Imminent Danger series, hesitantly titled “Cerulean Bound”. Make of that what you will.

I don’t expect to make it all the way to 50k, but I figure that even if I only do 10k, that’s 10k more than I had before, so what the heck!

My username is Grand Admiral Chelli — feel free to add me as a writing buddy, come say hi, etc.

This concludes my statement. Have a glorious Wednesday!

 

Unrelated media of the day:

When sexting goes wrong …

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , | 14 Comments

Editing Tip: 10 Ways to Get Past the First Chapter

We shall begin today’s lesson with a personal anecdote.

My current goal is to edit Chasing Nonconformity. This is going very poorly, because every time I sit down and open up the file, it begins on page 1 — also known as Chapter One. Now, logic dictates I would just skip ahead in the document to wherever I need to edit and go from there. But before I do that, I happen to notice a slight re-wording I can do on paragraph three. Okay, that’s better … oh, but I don’t like how Eris rolls her eyes in paragraph five. And I missed a comma in paragraph 7 … maybe I should keep reading …

Three hours later, Chapter One has completely changed for the zillionth time and I’m no closer to finishing the darn draft than when I started.

As I’m learning, the trick to editing a book is to get past the first chapter. Once you’ve broken through that barrier, sky’s the limit! No, I take that back. There is no limit. The first chapter is a pair of steel shackles and you are the Hulk, summoning up your anger, stoking the fires of your wrath, bigger and hotter and higher and flamier until BOOM! Free of the shackles, free of the first chapter, ready to show the rest of your story who’s boss. (relevant link)

Thus, I present to you …

10 Ways to Get Past the First Chapter

  1. Highlight Chapter 1, cut it, and paste it at the end of your document so it isn’t the first thing you see.
  2. Never turn off your computer or close your document file so you can always keep your place in the manuscript.
  3. Hire someone to slap you in the face with a lightly salted salmon fillet every time you try to edit Chapter 1.
  4. Change the font color of Chapter 1 to white text so you can’t see it.
  5. Search “Chapter 2” and don’t look at the screen until you know you’re in the right place.
  6. Hire someone to slap you in the face with a braised lamb shank every time you try to sneak back to edit Chapter 1 whilst pretending to edit the rest of the manuscript.
  7. Hire someone to scream directly in your ear every time Chapter 1 appears on-screen in order to mentally connect the first chapter with complete terror.
  8. Commit a crime and go to jail. Hard to edit Chapter 1 without a computer.
  9. Hire that guy from Inception to sneak into your mind and brainwash you into forgetting Chapter 1 exists.
  10. Summon up some basic willpower and just skip the first chapter.

As you can see, some are more practical than others. I myself will be starting with #3. I wanted to go with #6, but lamb is significantly more expensive than salmon and I am poor.

Thank you for sharing in my madness. For all those Canadians out there, Happy Thanksgiving!

 

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Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , , | 35 Comments

My Mother’s Sassy “Letter to the Editor” Jabberwocky Poem

Does everyone know what a “chicane” is? Essentially, it’s a curvy bit of sidewalk they put on a road to force traffic to slow down. See the below image:

So those round bits of pavement with the yellow caution signs are chicanes.

In my hometown of Aurora, the local government went absolutely crazy with chicanes. They were tired of people cutting through a quiet neighborhood to get from one major road to the other, so they ripped up the streets and infested them with literally dozens of chicanes. It’s practically a go-kart track if you try to drive through there now.

Naturally, no one actually slows down — they just zoom down the middle of the road. But the chicanes were irritating enough — and enough of a waste of taxpayer money — to prompt my mother, back in 2008, to write an ultra sassy version of the Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll and send it in to The Auroran (the local newspaper). I found it quite amusing, and hopefully you will too!

Without further ado …

Aurorawocky

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Day 2 of my Halifax Road Trip!

Saturday

I awaken to the smell of dog and the sound of my best friend talking to her newly-wed husband in the hall outside my door. A quick check of the clock reveals the time — 9:00 AM. With an estimated departure time of 11:00 AM, I have all the time in the world.

Two hours later, I no longer have all the time in the world. Everyone is ready to go, and I am still in the shower. Curses and damnation! I wring the last dredges of conditioner out of my hair and jump out of the shower. I know I have a reputation for being late, but dammit, I’m not going to be that late.

I get to the car, ready to go, but there’s a hitch — my mother is joining us as an extra driver on our trip to Halifax, and she needs tea. How could I forget such a fundamental fact of existence? Where my mother goes, tea follows. No move can be taken unless accompanied by hot, sugary leaf juice. We mill about beside our cars while we wait for her to return from her trip to Tim Hortons.

Once tea is acquired, onwards and upwards! Slowly, though. Oh so slowly. Montreal traffic is inexplicably horrible, and we navigate through a series of incomprehensible street signs and narrow on-ramps in our desperate attempt to escape the city. A GPS malfunction takes us off the highway and onto narrow country roads. Mother panics, but the lead car assures us we’re headed the right way. A beautiful mountain appears on our left, and the highway appears on our right. We return to our rightful path, and peace is restored.

As we drive, we discover that New Brunswick is really frickin’ far from Montreal. Like, stupid far. We drive and drive and drive. Then we stop and get tea. Then we drive and drive and drive. Mother is amused by how close our truck drives to our lead car. Our truck driver is not so amused — other drivers seem hell-bent on slipping in between the vehicles in our caravan. Suddenly my suggestion to stick signs on our back windows saying “I’m in a caravan, don’t get in between us” doesn’t seem so ridiculous after all.

We finally break for lunch around 4:00 PM. Praise the highway gods! Mother and I adjourn to a grocery store, where an elated cashier practices his English on us. I munch on fries and chicken as we proceed back onto the highway and continue on into New Brunswick. The only indication of the changing provinces is the signs switching from French-only to French and English. I declare my final impression of Quebec as we cross into New Brunswick — I am not impressed.

Night falls, and out come the moose. Well, that’s what the myriad of giant flashing signs indicate. Moose everywhere! Beware of moose! They will destroy you if you don’t keep constant vigilance! AHHHHH!

There were no moose.

That being said, caution is the key to survival, and our lead driver took that to heart. We proceeded slowly and cautiously along the twisting highways, going up hills that had our truck struggling to push past 60 km/hour, and then zooming down hills that had our truck braking frantically so as not to smash into the bumper of our lead car. Mother and I started a game in which we guessed how many times the truck would break in a 10 minute period. I am pleased to announce I won both rounds.

We pull into Fredericton, the capital of New Brunswick and our destination for the night, at around 11:00 PM. Our chosen resting place — the imaginatively-named City Motel — is simple but nice. Competence is not, however, their forte — mother and I are given a room with a single bed, whereas our single companion is given a room with two beds. Were it not for my fear of my companion’s cat suffocating me in my sleep, I would have gladly taken the second bed.

After a quick takeout dinner from Boston Pizza, we prepared for bed. Next stop, Halifax!

 

Unrelated media of the day:

21 Analogies used by High School Students

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’m Moving to Nova Scotia!

In a shocking turn of events, I’m pleased to announce that I’ll be moving to Nova Scotia at the end of the month! Prior to that, I’m a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding, so I’ve got a busy next few weeks incoming. Apologies in advance for the lack of posts. (Not that they’re exactly overflowing at the moment, lol.)

During my mini vacation I will be editing Chasing Nonconformity — hopefully to finally get the next draft finished and ready for some beta reading. No promises, though. Still, that’s the plan.

So I wish everyone a happy end of August, and I’ll check back in once I’m safely on the East Coast!

 

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Categories: Blog-related | Tags: , , , , | 28 Comments

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