Tired of getting all your criminal how-to tips from heist movies? Well, look no further, my friend! I’ve got you covered. Follow this simple series of steps, and you too can become an infamous master criminal the likes of which the world has never seen.
How To Pull Off the Perfect Crime
- Spend years plotting the perfect crime. Obsess over every detail, cover your walls in newspaper clippings and hastily-scribbled notes on napkins–the works. It is literally impossible to overthink this. The perfect crime cannot be rushed!
- Today’s the day! But before you start your crime spree, you should definitely stock up on snacks. If things go south and you need to make a quick getaway, you’ll want nourishment for the road. So, head to your local convenience store and pick out some tasty foodstuffs.
- As you approach the counter, remember that you’re a master criminal the likes of which the world has never seen. You shouldn’t have to pay for a few bags of potato chips! Turn around and walk right out of that store without paying.
- The cashier is telling you to pay for the chips, or they’ll blow your head off with a shotgun. Ignore them. You’re a master criminal, and crime doesn’t pay.
- Flinch and duck when the cashier pulls out a shotgun and attempts to blow your head off.
- Do a graceful 180 degree spin and throw the chips at the cashier. While they’re perplexed by bags of potato chips flying at their face, dive over the counter and initiate a desperate grapple for possession of the shotgun.
- Successfully acquire the shotgun. You now have a loaded weapon, your face is caught on security cameras, and the cashier is cowering at your feet. It’s okay. You can still salvage this mess. I believe in you.
- Take the cashier hostage. Use some zipties to bind their hands, and throw them in the backseat of your getaway vehicle. Looks like you’re making your getaway a bit sooner than you’d expected. Don’t forget to grab some more chips before you leave, though. You earned them.
- Drive off down the highway, ignoring the whimpering cashier in the backseat. Whatever you do, do not speed. As far as you know, the cops aren’t on your tail yet. If you just drive the speed limit and keep a low profile–
- I told you not to speed! I know you’re in a hurry, but come on. Now you’ve got a cop car right behind you, flashing its lights and blaring its siren. You can’t pull over–you have a tied up cashier in the backseat. What are you going to do now, genius?
- Apparently you’ve decided to engage in a high-speed car chase. In a beat-up old car, on a half tank of gas, on a two-lane highway in the middle of nowhere. Where exactly are you planning on going? There aren’t any alleys you can hide in, or clever turns you can make to lose the cops. It’s literally a straight road. And there’s an eighteen-wheeler up ahead slowing down traffic. I know surrender doesn’t sound like a great option, but it’s starting to look like it might be your only–
- I stand corrected. Clearly, the best move here is to zoom out into oncoming traffic to pass the eighteen-wheeler. The cashier in the backseat is now screaming. Judging by the smell, they’ve also wet their pants. Or was that you? Either way, you should really consider cracking a window.
- Okay, so you’ve managed to put some distance between you and the cop thanks to some truly impressive reckless driving. You need to get off the highway. Right. Now.
- Take the next exit and zoom down the main street of a small fishing village on the coast. This is good. Villages mean multiple streets, which means you’ll at least have a chance of losing the cops. Turn down that alley there and–
- Or you could just keep rampaging down the main street. Sure. Whatever makes you happy. You should really consider turning, though, because I’m pretty sure the street ends up ahead and turns into a dock, and the last time I checked, this car isn’t amphibi–
- SPLOOSH.
- Goddammit.
- I really hope you know how to swim.
Unrelated media of the day:
Michelle Proulx - Author 
😁 was reading this at the doctor’s office, now I gave tears streaming down trying to hold in a laugh and people are looking at me funny. You’ve certainly made my morning! Great post! 😂
Hahaha glad I could help. 🙂
Why am I thinking of Grand Theft Auto? 😀
I definitely drew inspiration from there. Also, there was a recent news story about a guy in Nova Scotia who kidnapped someone, then started speeding on the highway, a cop showed up to pull him over, they got into a car chase, and … yeah. No watery grave ending, of course, but still ridiculous.
Probably a reason there are shows about stupid criminals. More than enough to keep them going.
Loved this. #12 in particular.
I had so much fun with this. Part way through the list, I completely lost control of the “how to” aspect and just kind of hung on for the ride.
After #12, I imagined the narrator’s voice as a version of my GPS and just started to crack up.
Having spent most of my adult life working in commercial security, I believe that you have significantly overestimated the intelligence of the average criminal.
That is a distinctly terrifying thought.
Small fishing village, eh? In my experience, a simple death by drowning is one of the less bad outcomes.
Well, I figure he managed to swim to safety — taking the poor, trigger-happy cashier with him–and was then arrested and sent to jail for 20 to life. And then he probably got shivved in jail. Multiple times. Not a smart criminal, this guy.
True. But he wasn’t chased by fishpeople before discovering he was mutating into one himself, so overall not the worst outcome.
Marvelous. Now I’m going to go and commit that crime. The only question is: what will happen to the tied-up cashier. He definitely can’t swim, being tied up. Do you have a sequel in mind?
I imagine the cashier managed to roll open the back window and swim to safety–probably kicked off the car with his legs and then used the momentum to get to the surface. It’s just the coast, after all, so it’s not like the water’s particularly deep. Whereas our poor driver definitely gets himself trapped in the car and drowns. Karma, and all that. Car-ma. Hehehe.
Thing is — if the “master criminal” survives, they can use their jail time to write a book all about it, starting with their rotten childhood that predisposed them to a life of crime. Notoriety sells! And once they’re published, they can write the novel they’ve been incubating forever. It’s been done!
Hey, you’re not planning to try this, are you?
… no, of course not. What a ridiculous thing to suggest.
Excuse me, please. I need to hop over to the convenience store for … reasons …
Haha! Don’t forget the chips!
I have got as far as planing the perfect method for murder but I am really struggling with the whole victim choice, after all I can think of sooooooo many people who deserve that honour, maybe your next post you can help us narrow down the best potential victims 😀
Hahaha. Actually, I was thinking of making the guide “how to kidnap someone”, but then I was worried someone would actually follow the instructions and I would get arrested. Let’s be honest — I really don’t understand how the justice system works. But I do like to be cautious, just in case!