Posts Tagged With: newspaper

My Mother’s Sassy “Letter to the Editor” Jabberwocky Poem

Does everyone know what a “chicane” is? Essentially, it’s a curvy bit of sidewalk they put on a road to force traffic to slow down. See the below image:

So those round bits of pavement with the yellow caution signs are chicanes.

In my hometown of Aurora, the local government went absolutely crazy with chicanes. They were tired of people cutting through a quiet neighborhood to get from one major road to the other, so they ripped up the streets and infested them with literally dozens of chicanes. It’s practically a go-kart track if you try to drive through there now.

Naturally, no one actually slows down — they just zoom down the middle of the road. But the chicanes were irritating enough — and enough of a waste of taxpayer money — to prompt my mother, back in 2008, to write an ultra sassy version of the Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll and send it in to The Auroran (the local newspaper). I found it quite amusing, and hopefully you will too!

Without further ado …

Aurorawocky

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Attack of the Were-Panda

I was going through my “Short Stories” folder on my hard drive and came across this beautiful little snippet of prose. It’s in the style of a newspaper clipping, and amuses me far more than it should. Read and enjoy!

TORONTO—In what the police are terming a “methamphetamine-induced psychotic break”, local gas station attendant Barry Yates terrorized Anime North convention-goers last night when he dressed up in a panda suit and ran around knocking over merchandise and screaming, “Flee, puny mortals! I am the were-panda!” There were no serious injuries, but several agitated parties have already filed lawsuits against Yates for aggravated assault, battery, and destruction of property.

Yates’s delusion of being a “were-panda” is likely a bastardization of the lycanthrope myth, in which a human transforms into a wolf during the full moon – known colloquially as a “were-wolf”. The reason behind Yates’s choice of panda over wolf has yet to be determined, although a police officer at the scene was overheard saying, “We think he chose panda over wolf because he just so happened to be near a panda suit when he flipped all the f***ing way out of his God damn mind.”

Yates’s life partner, a Japanese body pillow named Mitsuke, could not be reached for comment.

 

Unrelated media of the day:

John Smith and Kocoum as college students …

Check out more Disney college students here: http://hyung86.deviantart.com/gallery/40579650

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

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