Posts Tagged With: poem

My Mother’s Sassy “Letter to the Editor” Jabberwocky Poem

Does everyone know what a “chicane” is? Essentially, it’s a curvy bit of sidewalk they put on a road to force traffic to slow down. See the below image:

So those round bits of pavement with the yellow caution signs are chicanes.

In my hometown of Aurora, the local government went absolutely crazy with chicanes. They were tired of people cutting through a quiet neighborhood to get from one major road to the other, so they ripped up the streets and infested them with literally dozens of chicanes. It’s practically a go-kart track if you try to drive through there now.

Naturally, no one actually slows down — they just zoom down the middle of the road. But the chicanes were irritating enough — and enough of a waste of taxpayer money — to prompt my mother, back in 2008, to write an ultra sassy version of the Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll and send it in to The Auroran (the local newspaper). I found it quite amusing, and hopefully you will too!

Without further ado …


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Settlers of Catan Song

I love Settlers of Catan. It’s one of my favourite board games, I’ll play it anytime, and I actually win a fair amount, which is of course a plus. During some random Catan game a few years ago, I apparently penned a song about Catan, which I recently re-discovered in an old notebook. Thus I present it to you (in slightly re-touched glory) …

* * * * *

Rolling in the Sheep

(to the tune of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep“)

* * * * *

(1st verse)

I just placed my second settlement on the board

I’m rolling wood, sheep, and brick, these resources I will hoard

You may ask me what I’m planning to do

Without no ore or wheat, you think I’m pretty much screwed

* * * * *

Furthermore, you say, why didn’t you build on eight?

If we only roll that number I won’t envy you your fate

But there’s a higher power in which I trust

Catan is mine to claim, and I’ll leave you in the dust

* * * * *

The dice are rolling, my hand is growing

I can’t help thinking that I’m gonna win this game

But a trend emerges, my horror surges,

I’ve got a bad feeling …

* * * * *


Oh god it’s all my fault!

I’m rolling in the sheep!

And no one wants to trade, ’cause they’re worthless

Call me the Shepherd of Defeat

* * * * *

(2nd verse)

Why won’t you trade with me, can’t you hear me sigh?

I even gave my flock some names to entice you to buy

This one’s Fluffy, here’s Buffy and Puffy too

Look at how sad they are, they wanna go home with you

* * * * *

My sheep are crying, my hopes are dying

I try to stack them, but they all come tumbling down

They’re just too squishy to build a city

I’ve got a bad feeling …

* * * * *


Oh god it’s all my fault!

I’m rolling in the sheep!

And no one wants to trade, ’cause they’re worthless

Call me the Shepherd of Defeat

* * * * *

Thank you kindly for your attention. Feel free to sing this at every opportunity, including on crowded trains and subways.

Mega-Giveaway ending tomorrow!

There’s still time to enter and win a free, signed copy of my debut novel, Imminent Danger And How to Fly Straight into It! Click here to check out the guidelines, and don’t forget that you’re welcome to enter as many times as you like.

Unrelated media of the day:

So this is apparently taken out of  a psychology textbook …

Categories: Blog-related, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Poem + My Editor Hard at Work!

Happy Monday everyone!

First off, I wanted to share this poem with you. The first line resulted from a rather silly conversation I had with my mother, and the rest followed. See if you can guess what the poem’s actually talking about:

I ate its ears in a fit of pique
Broken shards of brown
Cascade down smooth curves
Sprinkled across a carpet of cream

Also, I recently finished the re-write for Chasing Nonconformity, and I gave it to my mother to read when she went to Cuba for vacation last week. She just sent me some photos of her hard at work at the beach, editing my book, so I thought I’d share!

Cuba April 2014 039 (2)

Cuba April 2014 042 (2)

Doesn’t she look tranquil? She’s about halfway through the book, and has tentatively agreed to have the full edit done by the end of May. So, fingers crossed, I might actually be able to release this book this fall!

In other news … don’t forget to enter my giveaway! 

It runs until May 26 — click here for details!

Unrelated media of the day:

I may have shared this before, but I just came across it again and I love it, so here it is!

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My Poem: “A Toothbrush’s Tale”

I was going through my old file folders yesterday, and I discovered this absolute gem of poetry. It’s rather terrible, quite absurd, and has a moral which is totally incorrect and should definitely never be learned by any child ever. Cringe and enjoy!

A Toothbrush’s Tale


Fred the toothbrush was a sorry sight,

For his toothbrush friends knew not his sad plight.

This young little toothbrush was unhappy, you see,

His plastic casing oppressed him; he sought to be free!


“But Fred,” his mother said, “That’s quite absurd,”

“All toothbrushes are plastic, haven’t you heard?

I love you, my son, but to be quite frank,

Your mental skills I couldn’t take to the bank.”


Disheartened and miserable, Fred looked away,

And resolved to leave town the very next day.

Away from Toothbrushia little Fred would fly,

For hope gave him wings, much like a pie.


Far past the Cheesecake Mountains he flew,

Dodging the cavities, root canals, and goo,

Then to Toffee Lake, that abominable mess,

Delight of little children, but alas, I digress.


Finally came our hero to a castle on the sand,

Where, waving from the window, was a tiny old man.

“Come, little toothbrush, I can help you!”

Cried the old man, sitting on the loo.


Eagerly young Fred alighted at his side,

“I hate being plastic,” the poor toothbrush cried.

“Don’t worry!” the man said, “That form’s such a joke!

Soon you’ll metamorphize into an oak!”


“An oak?” Fred stammered. “But what can that be?”

“Why, you silly toothbrush, an oak is a tree!”

“But I don’t want to be wooden,” the toothbrush said.

“Don’t worry,” the man chuckled, “it’s like being dead.”


Terrified, poor Fred ran for the door,

But the old man pinned him via two-by-four.

“Abracadabra!” he cackled with glee.

And just like that, Fred turned into a tree.


The good folks of Toothbrushia soon forget Fred had left,

They cried for a while, but they weren’t very bereft.

So you see, little children, the point of this story,

Don’t complain, and don’t whine, or you’ll be sorry.


Unrelated media of the day:

Categories: Random, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Poetry …

I am not a poet. Well, I am. I’m just really bad at it. Or maybe I’m really good at it, but I just think I’m bad because poetry baffles me.

Since all my writing projects are at a standstill due to extreme amounts of writer’s block (and also the beautifully addicting World of Warcraft), I shall share with you today my latest attempt at poetry.

Prepare to be awed.

time is unfolding

and memories fade

clock hands are turning

with each passing day

your words are unlocking

the secrets I keep

your presence is soothing

my mind as I sleep

a comet is streaking

a path through the stars

your kindness is healing

my hidden-most scars

the midnight bell’s tolling

brings out a rare smile

and I nod when you ask

if I’ll stay for awhile

So? Were you awed? If I shook your world to the very foundations of your soul, I apologize. It was not my intention.

Unrelated video of the day: All the Harry Potter Spells Ever

So someone went through all eight Harry Potter movies and compiled all the spells cast into one, 17 minute youtube video. It’s insane. It’s awesome. You probably won’t get more than 3 minutes in, but that’s okay.

Image Source:

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , | 32 Comments

3 Awesome Things To Get You Through Friday

Friday is awesome because it’s the last day of the week, but it also sucks because you have to get through the entire work day before you can enjoy your weekend. Here are some fun things I’ve found around the internet that put a smile on my face. Hopefully they’ll cheer you up, too!

#1 I Take It You Already Know

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, lough and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird,
And dead: it’s said like bed, not bead –
For goodness sake don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five!

#2 Star Wars Gangsta Rap

#3 The Avengers, Abridged

Note: This is an excerpt from the script. To view the entire script, click here.

The HEROES decide to bring TOM HIDDLESTON back to their BASE, because apparently DUE PROCESS applies to TRICKSTER GODS as well. Suddenly, CHRIS HEMSWORTH shows up and chastises TOM.


I have come to stop you, brah!


Er, I mean, do I look to be in a gaming mood? Betwixt! Verily!


Brother, it must have taken every ounce of the All-father’s hurberble to plugurble you back to Earth. Let’s discuss it no more.

Suddenly, HEMSWORTH, EVANS, and ROBERT look around and notice it’s their first on-screen appearance together.


Quick, someone think of a super contrived reason for us to fight!


I’ll fight you because you want to fight your brother, who I also want to fight!


And I’ll fight you both because I want you to stop fighting!

They proceed to act out their STATS from THE AVENGERS COLLECTIBLE TRADING CARD GAME and establish they are all EXACTLY EQUAL IN POWER, somehow. Guy on steroids, genius in a robot suit, invincible deity: basically identical.


Hang on a second, your hammer has decimated everything you’ve ever hit with it, you had no way of knowing my shield or Robert’s armor would protect us. Did you just attempt to straight-up murder us? Don’t change the scene, I want an answer to thi–

Happy Friday!

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