The Worst Fanfiction Ever Written

Posted on January 18, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

In my continuing quest to bring to you, my dear and beloved readers, the many and varied gems of the internet, I present to you today’s offering: The Worst Fanfiction Ever Written.

The story is My Immortal, by Tara Gillesbie (username “XXXbloodyrists666XXX”). Here is a quote from knowyourmeme.com:

“My Immortal is a fanfiction that became infamous for being, what many have called, “the worst fanfiction ever written”. It contains a large number of spelling and grammatical errors and sudden unexplained sex scenes. Many of the titles for her chapters were inspired by the bands My Chemical Romance and Evanescence. The story has been the subject of several parodies and dramatic readings.”

No one is sure if this was meant as a joke, or if the author actually intended to create something so unbearably awful. I shall present to you the first few chapters (they’re extremely short), and then provide a link at the bottom for those wishing to further enjoy its magnificence.

Presenting: My Immortal, by Tara

NOTE: This excerpt contains curse words. Also, “AN” means “Author’s Note”.

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

Click here to continue the story!

Unrelated Image of the Day:

Source: http://i.imgur.com/ch3ke.jpg

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments

Random Website Idea

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

I randomly came up with this idea whilst contemplating how hit-and-miss self-published books can be in terms of quality. The story can be fantastic, but if the editing is terrible, I won’t be able to get past the first couple of pages.

Which leads me to wonder … is there such a thing as a website that lists eBooks not in terms of reviews, but in terms of whether or not it’s actually been edited?

Here’s my idea (assuming it doesn’t exist already):

  • This website has nothing to do with reviews — it strictly deals with whether or not a book is edited to traditional publishing standards (“E” for edited, “NE” for needs editing)
  • You can type a book name into the search bar, and the result is an image of the book cover with either a big, green “E” stamped across it, or a big red “NE” stamped across it
  • It could be called something like SPEVNE (self-publishing edited vs. needs editing)
  • That’s a terrible name
  • We can come up with a better one later

The point of the site is that it would be the last stop for a reader before they decided to buy the book. We assume they’ve already read reviews for the book … but there are people out there who will overlook glaringly painful sentence structure issues and grammatical errors when writing a review. Hence the point of SPEVNE (goodness, but that is a bad name) — discerning readers can just type in the book name and get that final quality assurance check. SPEVNE doesn’t tell you if the book is good or bad — SPEVNE just tell you if it’s readable.

Examples of the big letter stamps:

speneImminent Danger, obviously, would get a nice big E. Also, notice how I worked in my book cover into this post in a subtle yet powerful bit of subliminal marketing? Granted, I probably just negated the subliminality (totally a word) by pointing that out, so … obliviate!

And thus, my idea presentation ends. SPEVNE (anyone got a better name?) should be a thing. MAKE IT SO, INTERNET!

Unrelated image of the day:

Source: http://i.imgur.com/YXDMYh.jpg

Unrelated video of the day:

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , , , | 44 Comments

A Reflection on the Pointless Murder of Beloved Fictional Characters

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

This post was inspired by Zen Scribbles’s recent post Jack Did Not Have To Die!

Today we will be discussing something near and dear to my heart: when authors kill off beloved characters for no good reason.

Now, obviously authors can do whatever they want. If they want to kill off half their characters, that’s their choice. But what I implore authors to do before they start knocking off characters left and right is to consider the audience they’re writing for, and consider what impact these deaths will have on their readers.

Example #1: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Deaths include, amongst others, Hedwig the Owl, Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks.

Why was it a bad idea to kill these characters? Because the entire series thus far had been about good overcoming evil — the idea that, if you’re true to your principles and willingly help others and try to do the right thing, you will succeed. This was a wonderful message to send to children … at least, until they read book 7 and found half their favourite characters dead.

Sirius Black’s death served a purpose — it was to teach Harry caution, to make him think things through before blindly jumping in. Dumbledore’s death forced Harry to man up and get s**t done. But Fred Weasley’s death served no purpose. Lupin and Tonks didn’t even get a death scene. And what purpose could there possibly be in killing off a fluffy owl?

I know that JKR was trying to impress upon us the horrors of war, but I feel that could have been done in a different way. Perhaps maim them, like she did to George and Bill Weasley. George RR Martin (Game of Thrones) can kill off all the characters he wants because that’s the world his story is set in, that’s the genre he’s writing for. But Harry Potter isn’t a gritty political intrigue — it’s about a boy hero facing down true evil and winning. And I believe that senseless deaths have no place in a series like that.

Example #2: Mockingjay (Book 3 of the Hunger Games)

Deaths include, amongst others (SPOILER ALERT), Finnick Odair and Primrose Everdeen.

Now, Finnick’s death I sort of understand, much as I’d rather not — he was deep within a warzone, after all, so death was a very real possibility. But Primrose’s death? Ridiculous. There was no good reason for her to be in Capitol when those bombs went off. She’s a child, for God’s sake. She should have been safely back in District 13 — by all logic, she would have been. And yet, there she was when President Coin’s ridiculous plan to explode everyone happened.

The point of her death, I assume, was to … um … screw up Katniss even more than she was already? I think Peeta’s alarming mental instability and constant attempts to kill Katniss had already screwed her up sufficiently — killing off her sister was just unnecessary.

Now, Suzanne Collins has more of a leg to stand on than JKR, because she had already established that her series involved killing mass amounts of people. But prior to Mockingjay, people had been killed in a context that actually made sense. Primrose being in Capitol during the final wave of attack made no sense. Not to mention that the assorted people back in District 13 who were Katniss’s friends and confidantes would have been looking out for her sister while she was away doing totally pointless things in the Capitol.

Pro Character-Killing Tip: 

You can judge whether or not a character’s death is appropriate by viewing your readers’ reactions.

If they read the death scene in utter shock and scream, “Noooooooooo! [Insert Name of Character Here]! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!!!!!”, then you did well. Congratulations. The death scene you wrote was touching and believable within the context of the story.

If they read the scene with an expression of increasing disbelief, followed by them snapping the book shut and saying, “That was just stupid. Why the hell would the author do that? That made no sense!”, then you might want to consider a rewrite.

Thus endeth the rant. Agree? Disagree? Sound off in the comments.

Unrelated images of the day:

Source: http://imgur.com/qJemv

Source: http://i.imgur.com/7QgkP.jpg

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 66 Comments

Vlog #5 — In which iUniverse attempts to design my cover! And succeeds! Huzzah!

Posted on January 12, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

You guys know the drill by now. Instead of working, I made a vlog. What else is new? Here it is for your viewing enjoyment:

Forgive the terrible lighting. A Hollywood-level film producer, I am not.

Unrelated images of the day:

Source: http://imgur.com/a/WMVRM

Source: http://imgur.com/a/WMVRM

Categories: Blog-related, iUniverse, My Works, Self Publishing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 42 Comments

Read this if you asked me to review your book!

Posted on January 10, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

What up, fellow bloggers. This post is for housekeeping purposes, so bear with me.

I’ve amassed a large selection of self-published books I’m supposed to read and review, and I’m getting a bit confused. Therefore, here is a list of all the ebooks that I currently plan to read/review. They aren’t in order or anything, just me scrolling through my tablet and typing them as they appear.

If you asked me to read/review your book, and it’s not on here, TELL ME!!!

  • The Altar of Deimos — Antoinette M
  • Can’t Live Without — Joanne Phillips
  • The Crimson League — Victoria Grefer
  • Entanglement — Maya Panika
  • L’Aria Onyx — Sahm Attaine King
  • Trapper & Emmeline — L. Flinch Bedder
  • Poor Percival Stories — Matthew Milson
  • Remember — Cristian Mihai
  • Water — Terra Harmony
  • Why Aren’t You Sweet Like Me — Carrie Nyman
  • Shadeland — DL Miles
  • Jazz – Cristian Mihai
  • Once & Always; Heart Stealer; Wishing on a Rodeo Moon — Grace Brannigan
  • 28 Shades of Black — Sahm Attaine King
  • Heroes’ Awakening — Rigel Ordinario
  • Shadows of Penumbra — Margaret E. Alexander
  • The Friendship of Mortals — Audrey Driscoll
  • The Valley Walker — T.W. Dittmer
  • Surviving the Writing Apocalypse — Tania L Ramos
  • The Warden in the Gates — DL Miles

Again, if I said I would read/review your book and it’s not on that list, TELL ME!!! 

Otherwise, I won’t read it. Because I don’t have it.

In other news … what’s with the new WordPress format?

Anyone else ticked off by it? I hate that they’ve put the author name in tiny little letters at the bottom of the blog post on the Reader. I click on posts because I want to read what the blogger has to say. Now the author name is so small that I’m worried I’m missing posts by bloggers I love because their title isn’t super eye catching and I scroll right past it.

I tried to send WordPress a letter asking them to change it — at least make the blogger name larger!!! — but I can’t figure out how to contact them. Anyone know the secret to contacting them?

Unrelated video of the day:

This song is so happy. How can you not love it?

 

Unrelated image of the day:

Source: http://i.imgur.com/nU0Pv.jpg

Categories: Book Reviews, Random | Tags: , , , , , , , | 39 Comments

Book cover reveal for my novel! Finally! Woo!

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s finally here. My cover, that is. It’s been quite the process, and a frustrating one at that. But all the silliness and incompetence is now behind me, so let’s focus on the important part — the book cover reveal!

I therefore present to you … the soft cover of Imminent Danger And How to Fly Straight into It!

Imminent Danger_blog_soft cover

Not too shabby, right? There are still little nitpicky things I would change, but overall I think it looks pretty good. I mean, ideally I would have liked to have a graphic designer create silhouettes of the actual characters, including all their unique physical characteristics and whatnot, but the silhouettes I ended up with are good enough.

Here’s the hard cover:

Imminent Danger_blog_hard cover

Aaaand here’s just the gorgeous front cover:

another final cover attempt

So that’s that. The cover is done, and the book files are now being whisked away to the printer to be … well, printed. That should take a couple of weeks, and then hypothetically the book will be available for sale. Yay!

Unrelated image of the day:

Since adorable baby Chewbacca went over so well, I have concluded that you people like cute things. Therefore, here is my gift to you:

Source: http://amazing-creature.blogspot.ca/2011/08/20-cute-bunny-pictures.html#.UO2YpG9EF2I

D’awwwwwww! Wait, here’s another one:

Source: http://www.thingsthatmakeyougoaahh.com/2006/01/labradoodle-puppies.html

And another …

Okay, I’m done now.

Categories: iUniverse, My Works, Self Publishing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 83 Comments

2 Quick Blogging Tips

Posted on January 8, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

In my surfing of assorted blogs, I’ve found two little nit-picky issues that really annoy me because I’m ridiculous like that.

Therefore, here are my 2 Quick Blogging Tips (so that you don’t irritate your readers):

  1. Give every post a title. Otherwise what the heck am I supposed to click on to read your post?
  2. Make sure there’s a “Like” button accessible under every post. Some people disable the Like button due to personal aesthetic choice, but I feel that having to mouse up to the WordPress bar and click Like there is such a hassle. Give us both options, or we will become unnecessarily rageful! RAWR!

That’s it for now. Check in tomorrow, as I’ll have some exciting news (I hope!) to share. Maybe even a vlog. We’ll see how ye olde work goes.

Peace out, home skillets.

Unrelated image of the day:

Source: http://imgur.com/RxsJv

Categories: Blog-related, Random | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

How to write a sequel to a novel with a kick-a** setting

Posted on January 6, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

Some background is probably needed to understand the title of this post. Basically, I recently re-discovered the joys of the library, and one of the books I brought home to read over Christmas was Matched by Ally Condie.

Source: http://www.goodreads.com/book/photo/7735333-matched

Now, I really enjoyed this book. The characters were good, but the reason I really liked it was because the dystopian society in the book was cool. It’s kind of like The Giver meets Brave New World meets … a generic YA novel (because of the obligatory love triangle). Anyway, the society was awesome.

And then I picked up the sequel, Crossed. I was obviously excited to read it, because I enjoyed the first book so much. But I quickly realized one very tragic fact — this book isn’t set in the dystopian society, it’s set in some weird chasm/valley place. And it’s great that the characters are running around and developing their personalities and overcoming adversity and so on, but I liked Matched because of the setting. Without the setting, I’ve lost interest in the characters and in the book.

It’s the same concept as the seventh Harry Potter book. The first six were amazing because it was set at freakin’ Hogwarts. Who hasn’t dreamed of going there, with the moving staircases and paintings, ghosts, Quidditch, etc.? But then book seven comes along, and suddenly we’re wandering around the wilderness for what feels like forever. I get that Harry had to leave Hogwarts due to that pesky little thing called “plot”, but imagine how much more awesome book 7 could have been if he’d stayed at Hogwarts.

Therefore, I present to you my very simple rule for writing a sequel to a book with a kick-a** setting:

Keep the story in the kick-a** setting. If you have to leave the kick-a** setting due to the plot, get back there ASAP.

I guess this rule can be waived if you come up with an even more awesome setting for the characters to go to. But that doesn’t seem to happen very often, so stick to the original rule when at all possible.

That’s all for now. I’ve once again fallen behind on my work and need to spend the day catching up. Adios, mi amigos!

Semi-related image of the day:

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 38 Comments

New Book Trailer! (because I’m bored)

Posted on January 3, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

So instead of catching up with the work hours I still need to finish for December, I instead decided to spend the morning making a new book trailer for Imminent Danger!

I really need to get my priorities straightened out.

Anyway, here’s the new trailer! It’s considerably more chill than the last one, and while it sadly doesn’t feature a soundtrack reminiscent of an adult video, I feel it is still worth a watch.

Maybe if this whole author thing doesn’t work out I can pursue a career as a maker of extremely low-budget book trailers …

Unrelated image of the day:

Source: http://i.imgur.com/uS6S1.jpg

Categories: iUniverse, My Works, Self Publishing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

Resolutions still count if they’re a day late, right?

Posted on January 2, 2013 by Michelle Proulx

As you will recall from yesterday’s post, I was supposed to write about my resolutions but I ended up doing a shameless plug for my book instead. And look — I just did it again! Shame, Michelle. Shame.

Anyway, I really do want to share my resolutions, because I’m pretty sure they’ll never happen if I don’t get them written down somewhere that I can’t retract them without attracting public ridicule. Therefore, my 2013 Resolutions:

  1. Stop eating dairy. I don’t actually know if it’s the cause of my poor stomach hurting, but it seems as likely a culprit as any. So goodbye to pizza, ice cream, cheese, and assorted dairy goodness, and hello to … soy? I’m regretting this already …
  2. Exercise daily. I keep reading all these articles about how our sedentary lifestyle is killing us, and it freaks me out. Therefore I resolve to get up and move every day, even if it’s just having a dance party whenever a good song comes on the radio.
  3. Write daily. Okay, everyone and their mother has this resolution (assuming their mother is a writer). But I’ve been really bad about this over the last few months because I’ve been focusing on getting Imminent Danger published and working on my blog. Bad Michelle! So now I have to write every day whether I have time for it or not.

That’s probably enough, right? Three is manageable. If I add any more, I’m just going to get confused. And believe me, I confuse easily.

Tragic Imminent Danger Update:

Mother is going through the final proof of the book to make sure there aren’t any typos. Then she found this sentence:

“He was taking them to Alpha Centauri to sell them to a faceless megacorporation, and there was precious little they could do to about it.”

Did you catch the typo? The copy-editor didn’t. I didn’t. But mother did, so now I’m worried about all the other little typos I didn’t catch. For that matter, why didn’t Word Spell Check catch that? Le sigh.

Related link of the day (for East-coasters):

Writer’s Digest Conference East (New York: April 5-7)

Unrelated image of the day:

Categories: Random, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments

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