In my continuing quest to bring to you, my dear and beloved readers, the many and varied gems of the internet, I present to you today’s offering: The Worst Fanfiction Ever Written.
The story is My Immortal, by Tara Gillesbie (username “XXXbloodyrists666XXX”). Here is a quote from knowyourmeme.com:
“My Immortal is a fanfiction that became infamous for being, what many have called, “the worst fanfiction ever written”. It contains a large number of spelling and grammatical errors and sudden unexplained sex scenes. Many of the titles for her chapters were inspired by the bands My Chemical Romance and Evanescence. The story has been the subject of several parodies and dramatic readings.”
No one is sure if this was meant as a joke, or if the author actually intended to create something so unbearably awful. I shall present to you the first few chapters (they’re extremely short), and then provide a link at the bottom for those wishing to further enjoy its magnificence.
Presenting: My Immortal, by Tara
NOTE: This excerpt contains curse words. Also, “AN” means “Author’s Note”.
Chapter 1.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!
“What’s up Draco?” I asked.
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
Chapter 2.
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!
The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
“Hi.” he said.
“Hi.” I replied flirtily.
“Guess what.” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.
“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.
I gasped.
Click here to continue the story!
Unrelated Image of the Day:
Source: http://i.imgur.com/ch3ke.jpg
Michelle Proulx - Author 
Brain hurtzzz…
Join the club.
Read it. Just when I thought it was a joke, it seemed to be not, and then swapped back. So I’m not sure. Love the picture though!
Loki bested by five-year-old. That kid must have had a blast, and he’s going to remember that awesome day for the rest of his life.
As for the fanfiction … I don’t know. It’s so bad it has to be a joke … but then, I can totally see it being real. Dunno.
It’s like that photo of Barack Obama being ‘bested’ by a kid in a Spider-man costume in the White House.
For a 17 year old.. the character describes herself badly. Maybe Hogwarts should have an English class.
Hey, that’s true. They don’t actually teach essay composition or anything at Hogwarts. Plus they measure their essays in inches, which cracks me up.
Didn’t your 8th grade teacher sometimes mark essays based on the number of pages?
Yes, he certainly did. It was very easy to do well in that class if you knew the trick 🙂
This abomination lowers my faith in humanity. I am dumber for having read it. Thanks for lowering my IQ…
Ok, perhaps I’m overstating it a bit, but that was legitimately terrible.
I lower your IQ every time you come in contact with me. I don’t see why my blog should be any different. 😀
I jest, of course. My scintillating wit and hilarious quips bring brightness and joy to your life, without which you would be utterly bereft of cheer and hope. You’re welcome.
The only redeeming feature about this whole thing is the picture of Tom Hiddleston. If it’s possible, I love him even more now.
But seriously. If that’s ‘fan’fiction I’d hate to see what a person who didn’t like the world of HP would write… *goes off to find the brain bleach*
Hahaha. If you actually find any brain bleach, send me a bottle. I’m sorely in need of a good brain bath.
OMG, it’s awful! Also worth checking out – ‘Eye of Argon’, a kind of Conan pastiche usually held as the worst SF&F short story ever written, ever.
I don’t agree with fan fiction myself – it’s soooo much better when people make up their own original ideas instead of exploiting somebody else’s.
Eye of Argon is actually what inspired this post 🙂 I haven’t read it, but we were on the topic of terrible literature, and I was like … heeeeeey, I know a really terrible piece of literature …
I agree with this. I’ve read some pretty good fan fiction that takes place in the “Alien” world and I often wonder why they don’t create their own characters and universe. As for the above piece…y’okay, time to get some breakfast.
What did I just read? My brain hurts.
Ha.
Okay now we have grounds to sue… several people have complained of brain-aches… and I must say I applaud that they were able to get further than the first paragraph! OMGosh! I was going to mention the ‘intro’ for a novel I spotted (for free) being offered on Smashwords for its spelling & their for there… etc… but you definitely found the best example ever! (Now about that Law Suit…) …khrys
You can sue me if you like, but you won’t get much. I believe my current possessions include my $400 desktop computer … my pyjamas … oooh and a shiny new Nintendo 3DS I got for Christmas. You can’t have that! It’s mine! MINE!
Okay… we’ll sue the original author… (she’s probably got less…LOL)
Aye,aye,aye. I don’t like it. LOL
Free lobotomies for everyone who wants to forget!
Thank goodness. Now no one will sue me for lambasting their brains with literature of such questionably quality.
“Lambasting”? Or just “basting”?
They aren’t turkeys, dear.
That was painful.
One girl’s got ebony black hair while the other has raven black hair. So grateful for that distinction otherwise I’d never tell them apart. 😉
I still can’t get over how she write “thanks” as “fangz”. Brilliant.
“Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling…”
I’m sure this is the sort of stuff recruitment agencies use to blacklist potential job seekers.
See, I would seriously consider hiring someone if I found out they’d wrote that. A brain that twisted must hold some sort of creative genius, right? RIGHT?
Probably not.
Creative genius? If there is any it’d be in the big grey box up there with Chapters 1 & 2… I must have missed it… I’ll keep looking and get back to you when I find some…
Ha! Thanks for this. I’m working on a project about fan fiction right now and have been doing a lot of tedious research but haven’t found anything as pleasingly awful as this!
Hahaha glad to be of service.
Oh my goodness. I remember this story when it first gained popularity (or is it unpopularity?). I couldn’t believe how horrible the writing was… seriously cringe-worthy. As far as I remember, FF.Net took it down. I was surprised to see that it’s now back up!
I get the feeling that FF.net tries to take it down, but people keep putting it up. And I agree with them — I feel this story is too special not to share with the world, lol.