Writing

Posts about writing.

Book Review: A Construct of Angels (Andrew Toynbee)

The Bookconstructofangels

A Construct of Angels

The Genre

Urban Fantasy

The Author

Andrew Toynbee has been writing in various genres since he was eleven years old, including publishing articles in various specialist magazines. After his first novel attempt became too big and unwieldy to manage, he changed tack and, in 2009, began work on A Construct of Angels.

The Plot

After accidentally triggering the spontaneous resurrection of a dead student, an ordinarily routine day for York-based paramedic Sara Finn erupts into a series of events that propel her on a terrifying journey, promising to forever change her pragmatic opinions of life and death. Sara finds herself caught in the crossfire between warring forces, powerful beyond human comprehension, that threaten to plunge civilization into hellish chaos and eternal darkness.

The Review

I quite enjoyed this book. The main character, Sara Finn (a pun on “seraphim”, which I love!), is feisty and determined and a great heroine in general. She has to deal with all sorts of unimaginable horrors over the six days leading up to the possible-Apocalypse, and even though the big bad guy goes so far as to invade her dreams and mess with her head, she stays strong and doesn’t bend to his will (well, not when it matters, anyway!).

I really loved the start of this book — a dark star driving people crazy, zombies rising from their graves, etc. It was a very cool concept, and I felt very grounded in her messed-up world. As the story progressed, I got a bit lost in what was happening; the book is quite long, and I feel the story lost its focus in the middle. The ending, however, was appropriately apocalyptic, and featured some great scenes (dancing zombies!) that effortlessly pulled me back into the story and the explosive finale.

A long read, but a good one if you’re a fan of urban fantasy or the angels vs. demons concept!

The Rating

4 out of 5 stars.

 

Click here to check out A Construct of Angels!

Click here to visit Andrew Toynbee’s blog!

 

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Random, amusing K-POP video urging listeners to “Get your “cray” on”.

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Book Review: Leather to the Corinthians (Tom Lucas)

Note: Tom sent me a print copy of this book in exchange for an honest review, so thanks Tom for the book and the opportunity to review it!

The Bookleather to the corinthians

Leather to the Corinthians

The Genre

Satire

The Author

Tom Lucas was born and raised in Detroit, and although currently enjoying the lack of snow and ice in Florida, remains a son of the post-industrial apocalypse. Throughout his childhood, Tom found solace in comic books, Star Wars action figures, movies, cartoons, and video games. His passion for story has carried him through his adult life. Tom is a college professor, author, blogger, poet, book reviewer, and spoken word performer. When not writing, Tom likes to drive fast and take chances.

The Plot

The General and his clown army are determined to defeat the King, mad ruler of the Village, who only cares about celebrity status and bling. The story follows several characters, with the main protagonist (sort of) being a young soldier in the General’s army who fights to survive the melee, losing his humanity along the way.

The Review

This was an interesting satire of American culture that had me alternatively laughing out loud and cringing. I really enjoyed the depiction of several major fast food corporations as actual military forces battling it out for control of the hapless citizens of the Village. The General’s clown army and his hellish Necro-crofts fascinated me, as did the church of the Big Red J — basically what happens when you combine religion with comic book enthusiasts. I found the church of the Big Red J both hilarious and brilliant — and it also unnerved me a bit, because it sounded like an awesome religion to me, even though it’s clearly not supposed to be!

The writing style is fascinating — Lucas writes as if he’s a televangelist, which, considering the concept of this book, is I think a really great choice on his part. Because of the writing style, I sometimes found the book a bit exhausting to read, as it’s quite intense.

I have two major gripes with this book. One is the editing — I found a lot of spelling/grammatical errors, which detracted from the reading experience for me. I was also annoyed by the lack of female characters. About 95% of the characters are men, and the only female characters (at least, from what I recall) are sex-crazed (or having to do with sex in general). I assume this was part of the satire — that the media paints women as sexual objects and nothing more, etc. etc. But as a female reader, I guess I was looking for something … more with the female characters.

All in all, a fun read — not a book for the faint of heart, but definitely one you might enjoy if you’re a fan of political/social satire!

The Rating

4 out of 5 stars

 

Check out the book here: http://readtomlucas.com/

 

Unrelated link of the day:

Very simple yet awesome website: http://www.rainymood.com/

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My Shooting Range Adventure

My local writer’s society is pretty cool. This coolness was solidified yesterday when we took a field trip to a gun range and shot stuff for half an hour. A gun range field trip, you ask? Who in their right mind would take you to a gun range?

Allow me to explain.

The basic theory here is that we writers like to write about all manner of things we haven’t actually experienced. I, for example, like to write about trigger-happy, abduction-prone six-armed lizard people with a curious predilection for the color blue. Have I actually been abducted by aliens, or met a six-armed lizard man? Of course not. Well, not that I would admit to. Anyway, my point is that we writers, despite our “write what you know” rule, tend to grossly violate that rule on a regular basis.

Hence our trip to the gun range. While it’s fairly difficult to experience alien abduction, it’s quite easy to experience shooting a gun. And if you know how to shoot a gun, it gives your gun-shooting bad boy an extra air of authenticity when you put pen to paper. So I guess the moral of this story is that you should immediately go find a gun range and shoot stuff because it’s super fun. Just make sure you don’t have a comically large head (like me) or else the noise-cancelling earphones they supply will squeeze your skull until your brains pop out of your ears.

So they gave us four guns to try out — in no particular order, a 9mm, a 22 caliber, a 40 caliber, and a revolver. I probably got those names all wrong, because guns baffle me, but the point is they gave us a bunch of guns and it was awesome. The revolver was the most fun because, hey, it’s a revolver. The 40 caliber was the most terrifying, because when you shoot a bullet, the casing explodes out the top of the gun and goes rocketing wildly through the air. I managed to avoid being hit by flying casings, but my brother had a couple bounce off his head. He’s a bit traumatized by the incident, but I’ve been trying to coax him out of the darkest corner of his bedroom with freshly baked cookies with some success, so no harm done.

All in all, a very amusing trip, and one that has left my arms very sore due to the fact that guns are shockingly heavy. I have a handful of bullet casings sitting on my shelf now as mementos from the trip, as well as the cardboard target I was inexpertly shooting at. Apparently I aim high when I shoot, so pro tip if you ever get into a gun fight with me: duck.

 

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A haiku for every occasion

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but haikus are “the shizzle”, as teenage hoodlums like to say. For many years I lived in ignorance of this fact, fruitlessly pouring my heart out into birthday and Christmas cards, desperately trying to convey my thoughts and feelings in blathering prose that left everyone involved exhausted. Then I discovered haikus.

They are simplicity brought to life. They are the spark of human imagination, codified into lines of 5, 7, and 5. They are, quite simply, perfection.

Also, they’re super handy. It is a universally known law that when confronted with a haiku, the reader will be far more interested in counting the syllables of each line than in, say, the actual contents of the haiku. This can work in your favour in multiple ways. The most obvious, I think, is that eternal problem of what to write in greeting cards.

Take birthday cards. You could spend half an hour gathering your thoughts and putting them to paper, cringing at each cliched sentence, well aware that the person receiving the card will be utterly unimpressed by your half-hearted babbling that inevitably uses the words “happy” and “birthday” seven or eight times over the course of the message. Or you could write a haiku, and watch in peaceful contentment as the card-receiver discovers your haiku and happily sets about counting the syllables. It’s a win win! You spared yourself the time and agony of etching out a heartfelt sentiment, and you gave the card-recipient a fun little game to pass the time.

Now, I’m very proficient at knocking out haikus left and right, but I know some people aren’t. Therefore, I have helpfully created a series of “Happy Birthday Haikus” for you. Simply pick the haiku that matches the number of syllables in your birthday boy or girl’s name, slot in the name, and you’re good to go!

 

1 syllable

Happy birthday, _____

Of all my friends in this world,

None compare to you!

2 syllables

On this day, _____

Eat cake, laugh and shout hurray,

For it’s your birthday!

3 syllables

My dear _____

On this most birthful of days,

I shout hip hurray!

4 syllables

Oh _____

I think you know what I’ll say,

Happy birthday! Yay!

If you know someone with a first name longer than five syllables … well, tough. Ditch them and get friends with more manageable names.

 

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Inspiration is …

Words of wisdom we must all live by:

inspirationHas your brain exploded yet?

 

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“Seven Harry Potters” Scene – Re-written

Once upon a time, Harry Potter was about to turn seventeen. He knew that the second the clock struck midnight, Voldemort and his Death Eaters would arrive to capture him. He also found out that a corrupt Ministry of Magic official had made it an imprisonable offence for him to use Floo powder, portkeys, or Apparition to escape.

All seemed hopeless, and Harry thought he would have no choice but to let six of his friends use Polyjuice potion and pretend to be him. With these seven Harry Potters, the Death Eaters wouldn’t know which Harry was which when they made their daring escape — although this would also put his friends in great danger, and might very well end in their death and/or dismemberment.

Then Harry remembered that he wasn’t a complete idiot, and that he didn’t care about being imprisoned since the Ministry was already under Voldemort’s thumb. So he told Moody and the Order of the Phoenix to call off their ridiculous plan, and he waited more-or-less peacefully in the Dursley’s house right up until his birthday.

At three seconds to midnight, he Apparated to some random field in the middle of nowhere. He knew that the Death Eaters would follow him, but he wasn’t worried, because he remembered that he wasn’t playing an online game, and that the Apparate spell doesn’t have a cooldown.

So Harry immediately Apparated again — straight to the Burrow, this time — and the Death Eaters had no idea where he went because by then it was past midnight, he was now seventeen, and the trace spell that the Ministry used on him to track his underage magic usage had stopped working.

Harry Potter therefore arrived safe and sound at the Burrow without putting any of his friends in danger, or getting anyone’s ear blown off, and everyone was very happy to see him and they all ate treacle tart to celebrate.

The End.

 

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The proper way to pluck a chicken

My little brother keeps harassing me to write more blog posts, ostensibly because he feels that more content will drive more readers to my blog — but I suspect it’s because he secretly enjoys watching me scramble to catch up on my work when I spend all my time blogging instead of doing my job.

Anyway, heeding his advice, I sat down and then shouted, “Jesse! What should I blog about?” And he responded with his usual aplomb, “The proper way to pluck a chicken!” Therefore, I present to you:

The proper way to pluck a chicken

  1. Go to your local grocery store and locate the “dairy” section. Acquire a carton of eggs. Make sure to hide them in your bag so you don’t get arrested for shop-lifting.
  2. As soon as you exit the store, hug the egg carton to your chest. The adrenalin you produced during your daring shop-lifting adventure will now exude from your pores, coating the eggs in a protective layer.
  3. Find a sunny area of grass and lay out your eggs in the shape of six-point star. Raise your hands to the sky and shout, “POULTARIUS THE FOWL, MASTER OF THE CLUCKIVERSE, GRANT ME YOUR POWER THAT I MIGHT SLAY THE INFIDELS!”
  4. Get arrested for causing a public disturbance. If no police show up, you need to find a more crowded area — parks work nicely. Set up your eggs, pray to Poultarius the Fowl again, and make sure you shout really loudly to ensure law enforcement attraction.
  5. Assuming you’ve done everything right, you should now be in jail. Don’t be fooled by the police’s attempts to have you “post bail” or “plead insanity” — prison is exactly where you want to be. Hunker down for a long stay.
  6. Eventually you will be moved to a county jail and assigned a cellmate. You want to find a cellmate whose name starts with “F”. If you don’t luck out on the first try, drive off your cellmates by sitting creepily in the corner and muttering about devouring the souls of the living until you’re assigned someone who is appropriately lettered.
  7. Make friends with F. As soon as you’ve lulled him/her into a false sense of security — and here’s the tricky part — you need to brainwash them into believing that they are in fact a chicken. Hence the necessity of having their name start with F — it’s been scientifically proven that F-named people are more susceptible to poultry-related brainwashing.
  8. Now that you’ve got your chicken, all you need to do is pluck it! Chopsticks work best for plucking, so get your hands on a pair. This should be very easy if you’re incarcerated in Asia. If you’re unlucky enough to be elsewhere, you’ll want to get to Asia. Most US prisons have large tunnels drilled underneath the basketball court that lead directly to China (magma is a liquid, so it’s quite easy to dig through), so hop down one at your earliest convenience.
  9. Sneak the chopsticks back to your cell and wait until lights out. Once your chicken cellmate is sleeping, carefully approach them and use your chopsticks to pluck out the longest, most luxurious hair from their head. In the case of a bald chicken cellmate, eyebrow and nostril hairs will suffice.
  10. Congratulations! You’ve properly plucked a chicken! Since you’re stuck in prison for the foreseeable future, you might as well write a memoir about your chicken-plucking adventure. Sell it to the publisher of your choice, and then sit back and watch as the millions pile up in the bank account you can’t access!

Satisfied, Jesse? Good. Now I can go back to work!

Unrelated media of the day:

If male superheroes dressed like female superheroes …

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My crazy new idea for a book series

I have a crazy new idea for a book series. I’m not talking about the story or characters or anything (although they will be epic!). I’m talking about the structure of the series itself.

Here’s my idea. Ready?

So I was watching The Avengers a while back, and I thought the concept of having a handful of origin stories followed by an ensemble film, followed by more individual hero stories, followed by another ensemble film, etc. etc., was a really cool idea. And then I thought, “Has this been done with books? Could it be done with books? Why is cheesy popcorn so delicious, and yet none of my local theaters sells it?”

Existential popcorn question aside, I took this idea and have been running with it. What I currently have planned (everything is still in the outlining stage at this point), is a series of books which will be comprised of four “origin” stories, followed by an “ensemble” story, and then potentially splitting back off again to the individual characters for more adventures.

Here’s a terrible line-drawing of vaguely how the series would work:

avengers style book seriesNow, when I suggested this idea to the gentleman who critiqued Imminent Danger a few weeks ago, he said that the idea would never work. According to him, this sort of series has never been attempted because it just plain won’t sell. He suggested that instead I fit those four “origin” stories into one novel, and have the climax of that novel be whatever climax I was planning to use in the first ensemble story.

I think part of the reason it could actually work really well is because I would be self-publishing it. Meaning I could price the origin stories very low (or some of them, at least), in order to garner attention and gain fans. Or have free giveaways, set one of the origin stories permanently free, bundle them all up in an anthology once they’ve all been released, etc. etc. I’m more focused on writing them than marketing them at the moment, but still … important things to think about!

So … what’s everyone’s thoughts on this? Do you think a book series modeled in the “Avengers ensemble” style could possibly work? I’m hoping some of you will say “yes”, because I think it’s a really fun idea! But if you think it’s doomed to failure, don’t hesitate to tell me why. All information is good information!

Update: I thought you guys might be amused to know that the working title for this project is “SWAG RAVEN” — as in, a raven with lots of swag.

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How to Deal with Harsh Criticism

As you may have guessed from the title, I recently received some fairly harsh criticism about my debut novel, Imminent Danger And How to Fly Straight into It. I’m not going to lie — it really bummed me out. But that happened last Wednesday, and I’ve since rallied. Well, enough so that I’m able to write a post about it, anyway!

Here’s what happened: I recently started attending a local writer’s group, and one of the gentlemen in the group bought a copy of my book and read it through. When he finished, he invited me to have coffee so he could share his thoughts with me. What followed was … kind of brutal.

Basically, he didn’t like the book at all — he thought it was unoriginal, boring, and lacking in “fangs”. He  classified Imminent Danger as “juvenilia” — quoth Wikipedia, “a term applied to literary, musical or artistic works produced by an author during his or her youth”. As in … it’s a decent attempt for a first novel, but actually it’s pretty bad and you should probably forget it ever happened and move on. He also told me that if I want to seriously be a writer, I need to abandon self-publishing and aim for traditional publishing, with self-publishing as only a last resort.

In his defense, the criticism wasn’t all bad and soul-slicing. He did say he found parts very funny, that he quite liked a few of the characters, and that he thought I had great potential as a writer. And he was very kind about it — he ended a lot of statements with “I don’t know — just a thought” to lessen the blow. And obviously I appreciate the feedback, especially from someone who has studied literature as extensively as he has. Still … brutal.

Not a fun experience. And he wasn’t entirely wrong — Imminent Danger isn’t a hard-hitting, super-intense, hard-core science fiction story where everything goes to hell in a handbasket and people get their limbs blown off and have their minds blown by crazy metaphysical questions about life and the universe and whatnot. That’s because it’s not meant to be. It’s fun, flirty, and silly. It’s the kind of book you bring to the beach and read whilst sipping a pina colada and basking in the tropical breeze.

I forgot that for a while after the coffee chat — I was really down on myself, thinking, “He’s right, this story is awful, why on Earth did you ever bother self-publishing it?”

And then I remembered that different people are different, and everyone has their own opinion, and that not everyone is going to like my book, regardless of how much I wish it were otherwise. My book may not be a ground-breaking, Earth-shattering book that will radically alter how we humans perceive of ourselves for decades to come … but hey, I like it! I like the characters, I like the world I created, and according to the reviews, I’m not alone in that.

So … I guess the moral of the story is this: different people are different, and you will never write a book that everyone likes. So if someone gives you a harsh review:

  1. Extract the good advice from the bad, and apply it to your future writing as necessary.
  2. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you wrote your book, and why you love your book.
  3. Get right back on that writing horse and keep going! You’re an author, dammit! Giving up is for lesser beings!

 

Totally related media of the day:

From the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success!

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Amateur Writing Tip — When World-building, Consider Population

Today’s amateur writing tip is courtesy of my little brother Jesse, who enjoys dissecting my story ideas and informing me why they make no logical sense. Think Spock, but taller and wearing glasses.

On one of our recent walks, we were chatting about a new fantasy story I’ve been working on. The basic premise (not to give too much away) is that monsters have over-run the ground, so humans have taken to the sky in a handful of floating cities to survive. There are still a bunch of humans on the ground, but they live in small, scattered tribes and rely on nature magic to repel the beasties. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong.

As Jesse explained to me, the driving force behind a large percentage of historical events is population. After all, when your population keeps growing and you’re running out of land, what can you do but expand? Conversely, if your population is shrinking, you’re going to be weaker, losing ground and resources, and slowly but surely heading for decline and failure.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that populations don’t remain stagnant. They either grow or shrink — unless there’s some sort of population-control in effect (see China’s one child policy). So what does this mean for world-building?

Population and world-building

Even if your fantasy world is full of wizards and dragons and whatnot who totally defy the laws of logic, your unwashed peasant masses still need to make sense, population-wise. Therefore, read on and be amazed!

A) Be wary of isolated villages

You can dot your fantasy landscape with small villages until the sun comes down, but the important thing to remember is that they cannot be isolated villages. Although isolated villages make great settings, they don’t actually make sense. If you’ve got a little village of 100 people who never interact with other villages and just live in their own little world, what happens? They inbreed, because there’s no outside blood. Inbreeding, for the record, is bad. So if you’re going to have a bunch of little villages, make sure there’s some system in place for inter-marriage between the villages. Unless you want your village to be full of inbred people, in which case, isolate those villages to your heart’s content, my friend.

Update: In response to Matthew Cook’s comment, I did a little research, and it turns out that while inbreeding is generally a bad thing, in some cases it actually can produce healthy populations with few negative consequences — so long as the village is big enough (i.e., a few hundred people or more). So, isolated villages aren’t necessarily going to turn all your characters into gibbering morons … but you should only have isolated villages if you’re ready for the consequences inherent therein! (Click here to read an essay about inbreeding in human populations.)

B) Large populations require resources

By resources, I’m talking vast tracts of farmland. Now, your city doesn’t necessarily have to be right next to farmland, or even own farmland — it just needs to have access, somehow, to food. In my case, I’ve got floating cities where all the real estate is taken up by dwellings and assorted buildings. No room for farmland there. So instead I’ve created mountain-top farming communities that provide food for the skycities in exchange for the assorted goods manufactured in the cities. Go food or go home!

C) Population affects politics

Imagine your world is overrun by monsters, gobbling up everyone in their path. You flee with the few survivors to a city in the clouds. Now, as you sit up there, struggling to rebuild your society and recover from this devastating loss of life, are you going to attempt a government coup? Of course not. You’ve got more important things to worry about – such as, for example, not dying. But jump a few hundred years down the road, and now your city is thriving. Suddenly your population is booming — what do you do with all these people? You need to get rid of them, because they’re crowding up the slums and causing problems, but there’s nowhere to send them. You turn to the government for help, but they have no idea what to do with the excess populace either. And so … BAM! Civil unrest.

D) Attempts at controlling population growth rarely end well

Ever read Ender’s Game? The world is over-populated, so the government passes a law that you can only have two children — if you have a third child, they won’t get access to health care, education, etc. But guess what? Even with all the horrible consequences of having too many children, people do it anyway. So if you’re going to explain your stagnant population as a result of population control, assume that there’s going to be a lot of unrest amongst your society about it. Unless, of course, your population control is magical in nature — then you can do whatever the heck you want. I suggest creating a spell where excess children are transformed into parakeets. You can never have too many parakeets.

Basically, what I’m trying and failing to convey here is that population matters. I know most writers would rather focus on the fun stuff, like “What should I name Jeremiah’s magical talking sword?”, or “Can I get away with making Sara both the Empress of Cavortas and the high priestess of Zinzar?”. But if you’re creating a fantasy world, you absolutely have to consider the population. You don’t have to consider for long — goodness knows you have more important things to do with your life — but please, for the love of logic, just make sure you aren’t creating a world that makes absolutely no sense. Otherwise you’ll end up with a Hunger Games scenario, where the tiny population of a single city has control over the entirety of North America, and the rest of the world has either died off or, for some bizarre reason, has chosen to have no contact with North America despite the obvious and necessary benefits of international trade.

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