Posts Tagged With: chicken

The proper way to pluck a chicken

My little brother keeps harassing me to write more blog posts, ostensibly because he feels that more content will drive more readers to my blog — but I suspect it’s because he secretly enjoys watching me scramble to catch up on my work when I spend all my time blogging instead of doing my job.

Anyway, heeding his advice, I sat down and then shouted, “Jesse! What should I blog about?” And he responded with his usual aplomb, “The proper way to pluck a chicken!” Therefore, I present to you:

The proper way to pluck a chicken

  1. Go to your local grocery store and locate the “dairy” section. Acquire a carton of eggs. Make sure to hide them in your bag so you don’t get arrested for shop-lifting.
  2. As soon as you exit the store, hug the egg carton to your chest. The adrenalin you produced during your daring shop-lifting adventure will now exude from your pores, coating the eggs in a protective layer.
  3. Find a sunny area of grass and lay out your eggs in the shape of six-point star. Raise your hands to the sky and shout, “POULTARIUS THE FOWL, MASTER OF THE CLUCKIVERSE, GRANT ME YOUR POWER THAT I MIGHT SLAY THE INFIDELS!”
  4. Get arrested for causing a public disturbance. If no police show up, you need to find a more crowded area — parks work nicely. Set up your eggs, pray to Poultarius the Fowl again, and make sure you shout really loudly to ensure law enforcement attraction.
  5. Assuming you’ve done everything right, you should now be in jail. Don’t be fooled by the police’s attempts to have you “post bail” or “plead insanity” — prison is exactly where you want to be. Hunker down for a long stay.
  6. Eventually you will be moved to a county jail and assigned a cellmate. You want to find a cellmate whose name starts with “F”. If you don’t luck out on the first try, drive off your cellmates by sitting creepily in the corner and muttering about devouring the souls of the living until you’re assigned someone who is appropriately lettered.
  7. Make friends with F. As soon as you’ve lulled him/her into a false sense of security — and here’s the tricky part — you need to brainwash them into believing that they are in fact a chicken. Hence the necessity of having their name start with F — it’s been scientifically proven that F-named people are more susceptible to poultry-related brainwashing.
  8. Now that you’ve got your chicken, all you need to do is pluck it! Chopsticks work best for plucking, so get your hands on a pair. This should be very easy if you’re incarcerated in Asia. If you’re unlucky enough to be elsewhere, you’ll want to get to Asia. Most US prisons have large tunnels drilled underneath the basketball court that lead directly to China (magma is a liquid, so it’s quite easy to dig through), so hop down one at your earliest convenience.
  9. Sneak the chopsticks back to your cell and wait until lights out. Once your chicken cellmate is sleeping, carefully approach them and use your chopsticks to pluck out the longest, most luxurious hair from their head. In the case of a bald chicken cellmate, eyebrow and nostril hairs will suffice.
  10. Congratulations! You’ve properly plucked a chicken! Since you’re stuck in prison for the foreseeable future, you might as well write a memoir about your chicken-plucking adventure. Sell it to the publisher of your choice, and then sit back and watch as the millions pile up in the bank account you can’t access!

Satisfied, Jesse? Good. Now I can go back to work!

Unrelated media of the day:

If male superheroes dressed like female superheroes …

Categories: Random, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | 24 Comments

3D Food Printers? Super hot guy cast in City of Bones? Sign me up!

The title of this post might have clued you in to the fact that today’s topic has nothing to do with writing, or self-publishing, or any of that good stuff. Instead, I will share with you a super-cool new technology I found out about, as well as several pictures of Godfrey Gao (aka the super hot actor cast as Magnus Bane in the upcoming City of Bones movie). Oh, and at the end, I will reveal undeniable (read: ridiculous) proof that God exists.

To begin: 3D Food Printers? Really?

First off, I will direct you to this website. What you will find there is a series of machines which are essentially food printers. I didn’t know such a thing was possible, at least, not outside of sci-fi movies. Clearly I was wrong.

Digital Chocolatier Prototype

The Digital Chocolatier is a prototype for a machine that allows users to quickly design, assemble and taste different chocolate candies. This machine is composed of three primary elements: a carousel of ingredients, a thermoelectric deposition cup and a user interface. Through a graphical user interface, users can select and combine the ingredients housed in the different carousel containers to create customized candies. The carousel rotates to extrude these ingredients into the thermoelectric cup that rapidly cools and hardens the chocolate, making it ready for consumption. The interface also makes it possible to save and rate favorite recipes for later use.

That’s … insanely awesome.

Yes, yes it is. And here’s an example of what it can make:

Mouth … watering …

They also have a few machines that can make actual meals. I would feel safe buying the Chocolatier, because you can’t really go wrong with chocolate, but once you start printing out lasagna, I just don’t know how good it could realistically taste. And I wonder how they’d get the texture right, if they’re squirting the ingredients out of tubes?

Still, interesting food for thought.

Hot guy time 

If you haven’t read Cassandra Clare’s City of Bones, and you have any interest in YA fiction, you should definitely check it out. It’s a fantastic read, and there are currently 4 sequels and 2 prequels, so the fun never ends. Except when you run out of books, and then the fun does end.

Anyway, one of the characters in the book is Magnus Bane — aka the High Warlock of Brooklyn. He is possibly the coolest character in the book, and he now has an actor portraying him live on the silver screen: Godfrey Gao.

Here’s another one:

He seems to have some trouble smiling. There’s got to be a smiling picture somewhere … aha! Victory.

I think I’m so enchanted with this gentleman because he’s kind of how I pictured one of the characters in my novel to look (Varrin). Although my mental image of Varrin is constantly shifting, so I might have a completely different opinion in a few months. Regardless, if I could get Godfrey Gao to star in the movie adaptation of my novel, I would probably die of happiness.

And now for something completely different …

Image creds (in order of appearance):

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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