Posts Tagged With: random

The proper way to pluck a chicken

My little brother keeps harassing me to write more blog posts, ostensibly because he feels that more content will drive more readers to my blog — but I suspect it’s because he secretly enjoys watching me scramble to catch up on my work when I spend all my time blogging instead of doing my job.

Anyway, heeding his advice, I sat down and then shouted, “Jesse! What should I blog about?” And he responded with his usual aplomb, “The proper way to pluck a chicken!” Therefore, I present to you:

The proper way to pluck a chicken

  1. Go to your local grocery store and locate the “dairy” section. Acquire a carton of eggs. Make sure to hide them in your bag so you don’t get arrested for shop-lifting.
  2. As soon as you exit the store, hug the egg carton to your chest. The adrenalin you produced during your daring shop-lifting adventure will now exude from your pores, coating the eggs in a protective layer.
  3. Find a sunny area of grass and lay out your eggs in the shape of six-point star. Raise your hands to the sky and shout, “POULTARIUS THE FOWL, MASTER OF THE CLUCKIVERSE, GRANT ME YOUR POWER THAT I MIGHT SLAY THE INFIDELS!”
  4. Get arrested for causing a public disturbance. If no police show up, you need to find a more crowded area — parks work nicely. Set up your eggs, pray to Poultarius the Fowl again, and make sure you shout really loudly to ensure law enforcement attraction.
  5. Assuming you’ve done everything right, you should now be in jail. Don’t be fooled by the police’s attempts to have you “post bail” or “plead insanity” — prison is exactly where you want to be. Hunker down for a long stay.
  6. Eventually you will be moved to a county jail and assigned a cellmate. You want to find a cellmate whose name starts with “F”. If you don’t luck out on the first try, drive off your cellmates by sitting creepily in the corner and muttering about devouring the souls of the living until you’re assigned someone who is appropriately lettered.
  7. Make friends with F. As soon as you’ve lulled him/her into a false sense of security — and here’s the tricky part — you need to brainwash them into believing that they are in fact a chicken. Hence the necessity of having their name start with F — it’s been scientifically proven that F-named people are more susceptible to poultry-related brainwashing.
  8. Now that you’ve got your chicken, all you need to do is pluck it! Chopsticks work best for plucking, so get your hands on a pair. This should be very easy if you’re incarcerated in Asia. If you’re unlucky enough to be elsewhere, you’ll want to get to Asia. Most US prisons have large tunnels drilled underneath the basketball court that lead directly to China (magma is a liquid, so it’s quite easy to dig through), so hop down one at your earliest convenience.
  9. Sneak the chopsticks back to your cell and wait until lights out. Once your chicken cellmate is sleeping, carefully approach them and use your chopsticks to pluck out the longest, most luxurious hair from their head. In the case of a bald chicken cellmate, eyebrow and nostril hairs will suffice.
  10. Congratulations! You’ve properly plucked a chicken! Since you’re stuck in prison for the foreseeable future, you might as well write a memoir about your chicken-plucking adventure. Sell it to the publisher of your choice, and then sit back and watch as the millions pile up in the bank account you can’t access!

Satisfied, Jesse? Good. Now I can go back to work!

Unrelated media of the day:

If male superheroes dressed like female superheroes …

Categories: Random, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | 24 Comments

99 Life Hacks to make your life easier! (reblog)

Awesome collection of little tricks to save you time and money. Not book related, but life related, and books are based on life, soooo … still counts as on-topic?

99 Life Hacks to make your life easier!.

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , | 6 Comments

NaNoWriMo — Day 7 Check In

My temp job continues, netting me sweet, sweet cash, and further inhibiting my ability to meet my NaNo word count. When last we chatted, I was 483 words into NaNo. Now, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been a busy little beaver these last few days, and I have officially brought my word count up to … wait for it … drum roll …

5,455 words

Woo!!! Broke the 5k mark! PARTAY!

Okay, to be perfectly honest, that’s actually a pretty pathetic word count. You’re supposed to finish 1667 words a day, so by Day 7 I should be at 11,669 words. I’m a little short. And by a little, I mean I need to double my word count. I might have to cancel my partay …

However, I’m not letting that stop me. I WILL PREVAIL! It won’t be easy, however, because my boss has projected that he’ll need me to keep temping well into next week, and possibly longer, as the job is much bigger than they thought and we’re nowhere near done. So, yay for my bank account, and boo for my story. Oh, and we’re also moving apartments on the 17th, so there goes most of the weekend. But still, I WILL PREVAIL! If I say it enough times, it’ll come true, right? RIGHT?

Unrelated images of the day:

His mother must be so proud.

((NOTE: Click on the image below to see a larger version))


Unrelated video of the day:

Categories: Random, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments

Wheat-Free and Trying to Stick With It, But Not Doing So Well

This is a story of enlightenment, dedication, and giving up. Hold onto your swivel chairs, people, this is going to get pretty intense.

Step #1: Enlightenment

So in my apartment building, we have a small workout room in the basement that has an elliptical machine, two bikes, a set of weights, and two treadmills, one of which is eternally out of service. After my workout on Monday, I was stretching and watching commercials on the workout room TV, when a commercial for yoghurt bars came on. I was like, “Cool, cool”, because I don’t have any particularly strong emotions for or against yoghurt bars. But the other person in the room – an elderly gentleman who works out every MWF at noon like clockwork, did not feel the same way.

“Those will kill you,” he said. To which I, of course, replied, “What do you mean?” Thus followed a thirty minute speech on the evils of gluten and wheat. According to him, humans were never meant to eat processed wheat, and not only does it make you unhealthy, it actually eats away at your internal organs over the years. He quoted several reputable sources, and told me to read a book called Wheat Belly. I then recalled my doctor mentioning that I might want to give up gluten, so I was understandably terrified by his anti-gluten/wheat lecture.

Thus, I vowed to never eat wheat or gluten again.

Step #2: Dedication

I’ve toyed with giving up gluten in the past, but I never last more than a couple of weeks. And let me clarify – I’m talking giving up gluten for health reasons, not because I’m a hipster who feels that gluten is uncool or whatever. I have a lot of trouble digesting food, so I’ve tried cutting out many different foodstuffs in my two decades of existence. These diet restrictions rarely last, however. It’s really hard to avoid things like gluten or dairy, especially as most of North American cuisine seems to revolve around them.

Anyway, on Monday, I gave up gluten. I had rice instead of pasta, avoided cookies and cake, etc. I immediately developed a huge craving for pizza, although I re-discovered the fact that Pizza Pizza makes gluten-free dough. It was going really well, although I wasn’t feeling noticeably better. However, my life coach/mother advised me that these things take time.

Things were looking up.

Step #3: Giving Up

This morning, mother returned home from a breakfast outing with leftovers – namely, a bacon, egg, and cheese crepe from Cora’s. She brought it home for me, and when I said, “But I’m not supposed to eat gluten,” she said, “You know, you don’t have to quit cold turkey. Give yourself a break.”

Her siren song was all I needed. I immediately scarfed down the crepe like nobody’s business. And man was it tasty. Actually, it had swiss cheese, which I really don’t like, but I was able to ignore that due to the sweet, sweet taste of the crepe.

Thus concludes my epic tale

So basically, I tried to make a major life change, stuck with it for four days, and then caved under the pressure of some well-meant but probably detrimental words from my mother, and a tantalizing crepe.

As the inventors of the crepe would say: “Le sigh.”

Has anyone else tried to cut out a type of food from their diet? Did you succeed? My next step is clearly to get away from my mother, who is apparently attempting to convert me to the dark side (ruled by Darth Glutinous, and his tattooed apprentice Darth Wheatus). My second strategy will be to actually research the whole wheat/gluten thing, and make an informed choice myself, instead of being scared into action by a random guy at the gym.

It occurs to me that, as this is supposedly a writing blog, I should probably relate this whole misadventure to writing. Let’s see … okay, got it! If we pretend that my diet = my writing, gluten = writer’s block, and the crepe = inspiration, we create the following moral:

She who wishes to unblock the digestive tracks of creativity must seek inspiration in the tasty, tasty innards of a savoury crepe.

That made no sense. Maybe I should just call it a day.

Unrelated image:

Unrelated video:

This one requires some explanation. As you know, I’ve been playing the new WoW expansion. They’ve added a new race – the Pandaren – and like all new races, the Pandaren get unique dances. The male panda dance is the Party Rock shuffle, but I didn’t recognize the female panda dance. So I looked it up. Apparently the dance is from a viral youtube hit called “Caramelldansen”, released by a Swedish band back in 2001.

To quote Wikipedia:

It is also a popular Internet meme that began in the second half of 2006 in the Internet community 4chan.

The meme started as a fifteen frame Flash animation loop showing Mai and Mii, characters of the Japanesevisual novelPopotan doing a hip swing dance with their hands over their heads to imitate rabbit ears, and the chorus of the sped up version of the song “Caramelldansen” sung by Malin and Katia from Swedish music group Caramell. The sped up version of the song is now known as “Caramelldansen (SpeedyCake Remix)”.

I therefore present to you, for your viewing pleasure, the original Caramelldansen:

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Yarrr! Celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Ahoy, matey! Yarr! Codswallop! Rum!

Okay, that’s basically all the pirate speak I know.

Anyway, today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I didn’t know much about it, so I checked out the site, and it turns out that you can donate there to various charities. These charities presumably have to do with talking like pirates, although I think they’re stretching — what does “regional support networks” have to do with looting and pillaging? Arrgh!

I have not personally written anything about pirates before, although I have seen some humorous pirate-themed media. I shall share these assorted media with you now, thus may we better embrace the ideologies of International Talk Like a Pirate Day.


Lazy Town – You Are A Pirate

Cosmo Jarvis – Gay Pirates


Pirate Scrabble

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

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