The proper way to pluck a chicken

My little brother keeps harassing me to write more blog posts, ostensibly because he feels that more content will drive more readers to my blog — but I suspect it’s because he secretly enjoys watching me scramble to catch up on my work when I spend all my time blogging instead of doing my job.

Anyway, heeding his advice, I sat down and then shouted, “Jesse! What should I blog about?” And he responded with his usual aplomb, “The proper way to pluck a chicken!” Therefore, I present to you:

The proper way to pluck a chicken

  1. Go to your local grocery store and locate the “dairy” section. Acquire a carton of eggs. Make sure to hide them in your bag so you don’t get arrested for shop-lifting.
  2. As soon as you exit the store, hug the egg carton to your chest. The adrenalin you produced during your daring shop-lifting adventure will now exude from your pores, coating the eggs in a protective layer.
  3. Find a sunny area of grass and lay out your eggs in the shape of six-point star. Raise your hands to the sky and shout, “POULTARIUS THE FOWL, MASTER OF THE CLUCKIVERSE, GRANT ME YOUR POWER THAT I MIGHT SLAY THE INFIDELS!”
  4. Get arrested for causing a public disturbance. If no police show up, you need to find a more crowded area — parks work nicely. Set up your eggs, pray to Poultarius the Fowl again, and make sure you shout really loudly to ensure law enforcement attraction.
  5. Assuming you’ve done everything right, you should now be in jail. Don’t be fooled by the police’s attempts to have you “post bail” or “plead insanity” — prison is exactly where you want to be. Hunker down for a long stay.
  6. Eventually you will be moved to a county jail and assigned a cellmate. You want to find a cellmate whose name starts with “F”. If you don’t luck out on the first try, drive off your cellmates by sitting creepily in the corner and muttering about devouring the souls of the living until you’re assigned someone who is appropriately lettered.
  7. Make friends with F. As soon as you’ve lulled him/her into a false sense of security — and here’s the tricky part — you need to brainwash them into believing that they are in fact a chicken. Hence the necessity of having their name start with F — it’s been scientifically proven that F-named people are more susceptible to poultry-related brainwashing.
  8. Now that you’ve got your chicken, all you need to do is pluck it! Chopsticks work best for plucking, so get your hands on a pair. This should be very easy if you’re incarcerated in Asia. If you’re unlucky enough to be elsewhere, you’ll want to get to Asia. Most US prisons have large tunnels drilled underneath the basketball court that lead directly to China (magma is a liquid, so it’s quite easy to dig through), so hop down one at your earliest convenience.
  9. Sneak the chopsticks back to your cell and wait until lights out. Once your chicken cellmate is sleeping, carefully approach them and use your chopsticks to pluck out the longest, most luxurious hair from their head. In the case of a bald chicken cellmate, eyebrow and nostril hairs will suffice.
  10. Congratulations! You’ve properly plucked a chicken! Since you’re stuck in prison for the foreseeable future, you might as well write a memoir about your chicken-plucking adventure. Sell it to the publisher of your choice, and then sit back and watch as the millions pile up in the bank account you can’t access!

Satisfied, Jesse? Good. Now I can go back to work!

Unrelated media of the day:

If male superheroes dressed like female superheroes …

Categories: Random, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | 24 Comments

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24 thoughts on “The proper way to pluck a chicken

  1. You can also use a rooster for magical rites in Santaria, like in Interview with the Vampire.

    • That’s an excellent point — roosters are much more effective in summoning Poultaria the Fowl. However, since our goal here is to get arrested for causing a public disturbance, and not actually attract the attention of our dark and feathery master, eggs will suffice.

  2. Hilarious instructions, slightly disturbing picture. Mostly because of Batman.

  3. I’m a vegetarian but found the instructions hilarious!

  4. Haha, awesome! Love the picture, too. But really, if they want to pose like female superheroes, they need to figure out how to point their chests and butts toward the viewer at the same time. 😉

    • Mmm, true say. Kind of stand backwards, and then look over the shoulder so you can see the curve of the bosom. They’ve got the sexy pouts down, though!

  5. Guess I’m too chicken… 🙂

  6. I’m saving the chicken-plucking instructions and will use them ASAP. As for the superhero art — hilarious! Although the guys look a little unhappy. Maybe they need Magic Mike.

    • I think it’s fair to say that everyone needs Magic Mike. He is, after all, magic 😛

      And do keep a record of how the instructions work out for you! Especially that tunneling to China thing — I have a feeling you’ll get a few singed hairs by the end of that little trek …

  7. Wow. Haha this is just awesome 🙂

  8. Anytime you and your brother get together, the result is just magic. Have you thought about doing a stand-up act?

    • We tried stand-up once, but our jokes were so funny that people actually suffered health conditions from amusement overdose and had to be carried out of the room. Fearing for public safety, we have since refrained from stand-up.

      It’s possible that I’m lying outrageously, but we’ll never know for certain.

  9. Loved this! I had to read it to my kids, they all laughed. Those super heros are strange looking.

    • Hahaha yeah, they’re a bit crazy, aren’t they? I’m glad male super heroes don’t dress up like female super heroes … it would be a strange, strange sight to see 😀

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