Tired of getting all your criminal how-to tips from heist movies? Well, look no further, my friend! I’ve got you covered. Follow this simple series of steps, and you too can become an infamous master criminal the likes of which the world has never seen.
How To Pull Off the Perfect Crime
- Spend years plotting the perfect crime. Obsess over every detail, cover your walls in newspaper clippings and hastily-scribbled notes on napkins–the works. It is literally impossible to overthink this. The perfect crime cannot be rushed!
- Today’s the day! But before you start your crime spree, you should definitely stock up on snacks. If things go south and you need to make a quick getaway, you’ll want nourishment for the road. So, head to your local convenience store and pick out some tasty foodstuffs.
- As you approach the counter, remember that you’re a master criminal the likes of which the world has never seen. You shouldn’t have to pay for a few bags of potato chips! Turn around and walk right out of that store without paying.
- The cashier is telling you to pay for the chips, or they’ll blow your head off with a shotgun. Ignore them. You’re a master criminal, and crime doesn’t pay.
- Flinch and duck when the cashier pulls out a shotgun and attempts to blow your head off.
- Do a graceful 180 degree spin and throw the chips at the cashier. While they’re perplexed by bags of potato chips flying at their face, dive over the counter and initiate a desperate grapple for possession of the shotgun.
- Successfully acquire the shotgun. You now have a loaded weapon, your face is caught on security cameras, and the cashier is cowering at your feet. It’s okay. You can still salvage this mess. I believe in you.
- Take the cashier hostage. Use some zipties to bind their hands, and throw them in the backseat of your getaway vehicle. Looks like you’re making your getaway a bit sooner than you’d expected. Don’t forget to grab some more chips before you leave, though. You earned them.
- Drive off down the highway, ignoring the whimpering cashier in the backseat. Whatever you do, do not speed. As far as you know, the cops aren’t on your tail yet. If you just drive the speed limit and keep a low profile–
- I told you not to speed! I know you’re in a hurry, but come on. Now you’ve got a cop car right behind you, flashing its lights and blaring its siren. You can’t pull over–you have a tied up cashier in the backseat. What are you going to do now, genius?
- Apparently you’ve decided to engage in a high-speed car chase. In a beat-up old car, on a half tank of gas, on a two-lane highway in the middle of nowhere. Where exactly are you planning on going? There aren’t any alleys you can hide in, or clever turns you can make to lose the cops. It’s literally a straight road. And there’s an eighteen-wheeler up ahead slowing down traffic. I know surrender doesn’t sound like a great option, but it’s starting to look like it might be your only–
- I stand corrected. Clearly, the best move here is to zoom out into oncoming traffic to pass the eighteen-wheeler. The cashier in the backseat is now screaming. Judging by the smell, they’ve also wet their pants. Or was that you? Either way, you should really consider cracking a window.
- Okay, so you’ve managed to put some distance between you and the cop thanks to some truly impressive reckless driving. You need to get off the highway. Right. Now.
- Take the next exit and zoom down the main street of a small fishing village on the coast. This is good. Villages mean multiple streets, which means you’ll at least have a chance of losing the cops. Turn down that alley there and–
- Or you could just keep rampaging down the main street. Sure. Whatever makes you happy. You should really consider turning, though, because I’m pretty sure the street ends up ahead and turns into a dock, and the last time I checked, this car isn’t amphibi–
- SPLOOSH.
- Goddammit.
- I really hope you know how to swim.
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Michelle Proulx - Author 