I was going through my “Short Stories” folder on my hard drive and came across this beautiful little snippet of prose. It’s in the style of a newspaper clipping, and amuses me far more than it should. Read and enjoy!
TORONTO—In what the police are terming a “methamphetamine-induced psychotic break”, local gas station attendant Barry Yates terrorized Anime North convention-goers last night when he dressed up in a panda suit and ran around knocking over merchandise and screaming, “Flee, puny mortals! I am the were-panda!” There were no serious injuries, but several agitated parties have already filed lawsuits against Yates for aggravated assault, battery, and destruction of property.
Yates’s delusion of being a “were-panda” is likely a bastardization of the lycanthrope myth, in which a human transforms into a wolf during the full moon – known colloquially as a “were-wolf”. The reason behind Yates’s choice of panda over wolf has yet to be determined, although a police officer at the scene was overheard saying, “We think he chose panda over wolf because he just so happened to be near a panda suit when he flipped all the f***ing way out of his God damn mind.”
Yates’s life partner, a Japanese body pillow named Mitsuke, could not be reached for comment.
Unrelated media of the day:
John Smith and Kocoum as college students …
Source: http://hyung86.deviantart.com/art/Disney-University-John-Kocoum-398933403?q=gallery%3AHyung86&qo=0
Check out more Disney college students here: http://hyung86.deviantart.com/gallery/40579650
Michelle Proulx - Author 
A peek into the future of Jack Black?
Ha! One can only hope.
Beware!! Beware!! There is a were-panda in all of us… waiting.. watching… preparing to flip “all the f***ing way out”
😀
Hahaha. Did you enjoy my attempt at cursing? I like to think that we all have a little inner panda just waiting to break free. RAWR!
Attempt? I thought you did just fine… Better than I do over in the kingdom, that’s for sure.
I think I have an inner lizard or something like that…
I’m pretty sure I have an inner ice elemental, because I’m frickin freezing ALL THE TIME.
Hah!
Well, you’ve seriously got to learn how to harness that and let the elemental going romping, because that would awesome!
That was really good, absolutely love the final line though! 🙂
Hahahaha thanks. Body pillows crack me up.
The police officers reaction is spot on as well 🙂
Reblogged this on Vampires, Crime and Angels…Eclectic Me.
That’s one Toronto crime fighter with a unique way with words!
Hahahaha. I would swear that they don’t really talk like that, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually spoken to a Toronto police officer, so it’s hard to say 🙂
Reblogged this on Charlotte Gerber.