Posts Tagged With: google

The post in which I write a review for my own book

I am in a silly mood today, so I have decided to write a review for my own book. I encourage all authors to do the same. Apart from being super fun and a nice creative exercise, I am also amused by the idea that this review might come up when people search for my book on Google.

Book Review of Imminent Danger And How to Fly Straight into It

I found this book totally by accident. I was actually looking for my new dentist’s office when I passed a store that sold these weird, papery objects. Having vaguely recalled seeing these things before on television, I stepped inside the store and approached the owner. “Hi there,” I said to him. “What exactly do you sell in this store?”

“Books,” the man said. “It’s like television, except they use words instead of moving pictures. Try one.”

So I picked up the first “book” that caught my eye. It had a sweet starry red background with trippy futuristic fonts and a really hot couple dancing on the front. “Good choice,” the man said. “This is a real classic. It’s widely known amongst discerning YA enthusiasts as the most excellent book ever written in the entire history of everything. That will be $15.”

I handed him the money and brought the book home. As soon as I opened the first page, I noticed that I felt slightly different. It took me a second to realize what it was — it was happiness. I hadn’t felt that way since I won the County Spelling Bee back in the second grade. The warm effulgence of pure delight washed over me, and I sank back into the comfy cushions of my couch as I let the magic of this fantastic book wash over me.

Each turn of the page brought a new and exciting change. When I hit page 34, the sore throat I’d been fighting off for days suddenly cleared up. On page 97, I got a phone call from my travel agent telling me I’d won a free trip to Jamaica. On page 208, I had a huge slice of pizza and discovered that I was no longer lactose intolerant. And when I finished the last page and shut the book with a sigh of pure ecstasy, I got a text message from the love of my life, begging for me to give us a shot.

At this point I became slightly suspicious of this “book” I had purchased. Was it possible that the story was so utterly, mind-bogglingly brilliant that it actually had the power to cure my ailments and fix my love life? To test my theory, I called my bookie and had her bet my entire life savings on a horse race. Then I picked up the book and began to leaf through it frantically. By the time I’d gotten halfway through, my bookie called. I’d won the race.

So in conclusion, this book made me a millionaire, cured my lactose intolerance, and netted me my future partner. I’m still testing out its assorted magical properties, but I’m pretty sure that it can also predict the future, increase its reader’s intelligence to genius-level, and possibly summon unicorns. I plan to use this book to construct an Iron Man suit and spend the rest of my life flying around stopping terrorists, ending wars, and promoting literacy programs in third world nations. With any luck, I shall become a God among men and reshape the world in my image.


Oh, and the story was pretty good, too. The beginning was a little slow. Funny ending. Great characters. Five stars.

Unrelated video of the day:

Not sure if I’ve shared this yet, but … eh, whatever. Enjoy!

Categories: My Works, Random, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

What up from Washington

What up, blogosphere!

I’m on day 4 of my mini-vacation to Washington, and my travelling companion (aka my mother) has given up her computer to go take a shower. I have therefore seized this opportunity to say a quick hello and update you all on my adventures here in Washingtonland.

Day 1 of the vacation featured an exhaustive car trip from London, Ontario (my home), down to Washington DC. Instead of taking the interstates like normal people, we meandered our way through mountains, valleys, and quaint villages, averaging about 60 km/h and getting thoroughly carsick from all the twists and turns.

Our Google Map directions, despite being really slow, worked well up until the point we reached the outskirts of Washington. At that point it was about 10 p.m., we were exhausted from driving all day, and certain people’s tempers grew … short. Anyway, we took a wrong turn and ended up at the northern parking lot of the Pentagon. I didn’t even know the Pentagon is in Washington. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s all a big parking lot conspiracy. That’s a thing, right?

Day 2 sent my mother off on an unrelated day trip that I can’t discuss here due to privacy concerns. I, on the other hand, was left free to explore Washington on my own. I proceeded to the Smithsonian Aerospace Museum, where I watched no less than 3 separate IMAX/planetarium shows, explored the bottom floor of the museum, and saw the original Apollo 11 space capsule. Needless to say, it was really awesome.

Day 3 involved going to the zoo and eating delicious Chinese food. I would love to say more about that, but unfortunately I can’t due to those privacy concerns I mentioned above. At this point, you’re probably wondering if I’m secretly a government spy. The answer is yes. My code name is Green Platypus.

Today is Day 4, and current planning suggests that mother and I will be rocking the upper floor of the Aerospace museum, followed by a visit to the Natural History museum. I expect funtimes and shenanigans to be had.

Two notes on Washington, in case you ever go:

  1. The subway system sucks. The automated ticketing machines are inexplicably designed to make your life as difficult as possible. And I have been on a lot of subway systems in my life, in a lot of countries, so I do know what I’m talking about. Eek. Something to work on, Washington DC transit authority.
  2. All the Smithsonian museums (although apparently not the Portrait Gallery) close at 5:30 p.m. So if you intend to see the museums, start your day early (and not at noon like I keep doing).

This concludes my check-in. Stay awesome, and I look forward to catching up on all your blog posts and stories that I’ve missed once I return to Canadadada. (Sing that last word to the tune of Beethoven’s 5th).

Random Video of the Day:

Categories: Random | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

So I bought a website … help!

What up, blogosphere. Today I reach out to you in my hour of need. Ready for my plea?

I bought a website.

I signed up with, and bought the domain name Feel free to click that link and check it out — it’s laughably simple, because I have no idea how to build/maintain a website.

My site is created using Weebly.

Weebly is a widget-based website creator, which Just Host told me to use, and it baffles me. I figured out how to make basic pages with photos and text, but more complicated things elude me. How, for example, do I view my site statistics? Is there a way for me to add a Facebook “Like” button on a page? Or what about a “Tweet it” button? Does it have something to do with HTML? My author friend Tania L Ramos has a website with a Twitter button right on the homepage. How do I get that?

I can’t find any useful how-to videos.

The only videos I’ve found are ones that explain the very basics of using Weebly, which I figured out for myself. A five-year-old could figure it out. I need to know more complicated stuff. Like, how come when I Google my website name, it doesn’t show up until like page 8 of the Google Search results? How can I get it higher up the list? Is there some feature I need to turn on? Do I need to sell my soul? If so, to whom? Is there a refund policy?

In conclusion, technology confuses me.

On the plus side, I did figure out how to get the comments widget to email comments directly to me, so I can read those now. Huzzah!


Any insights into, Weebly, or pretty much anything about making a website would be extremely helpful. Now, to repeat, I know how to make pages, text objects, photos, and link things. It’s the rest of the website building thing that I need help with. Assist me!!!

Image cred:

Categories: Blog-related | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

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