I am in a silly mood today, so I have decided to write a review for my own book. I encourage all authors to do the same. Apart from being super fun and a nice creative exercise, I am also amused by the idea that this review might come up when people search for my book on Google.
Book Review of Imminent Danger And How to Fly Straight into It
I found this book totally by accident. I was actually looking for my new dentist’s office when I passed a store that sold these weird, papery objects. Having vaguely recalled seeing these things before on television, I stepped inside the store and approached the owner. “Hi there,” I said to him. “What exactly do you sell in this store?”
“Books,” the man said. “It’s like television, except they use words instead of moving pictures. Try one.”
So I picked up the first “book” that caught my eye. It had a sweet starry red background with trippy futuristic fonts and a really hot couple dancing on the front. “Good choice,” the man said. “This is a real classic. It’s widely known amongst discerning YA enthusiasts as the most excellent book ever written in the entire history of everything. That will be $15.”
I handed him the money and brought the book home. As soon as I opened the first page, I noticed that I felt slightly different. It took me a second to realize what it was — it was happiness. I hadn’t felt that way since I won the County Spelling Bee back in the second grade. The warm effulgence of pure delight washed over me, and I sank back into the comfy cushions of my couch as I let the magic of this fantastic book wash over me.
Each turn of the page brought a new and exciting change. When I hit page 34, the sore throat I’d been fighting off for days suddenly cleared up. On page 97, I got a phone call from my travel agent telling me I’d won a free trip to Jamaica. On page 208, I had a huge slice of pizza and discovered that I was no longer lactose intolerant. And when I finished the last page and shut the book with a sigh of pure ecstasy, I got a text message from the love of my life, begging for me to give us a shot.
At this point I became slightly suspicious of this “book” I had purchased. Was it possible that the story was so utterly, mind-bogglingly brilliant that it actually had the power to cure my ailments and fix my love life? To test my theory, I called my bookie and had her bet my entire life savings on a horse race. Then I picked up the book and began to leaf through it frantically. By the time I’d gotten halfway through, my bookie called. I’d won the race.
So in conclusion, this book made me a millionaire, cured my lactose intolerance, and netted me my future partner. I’m still testing out its assorted magical properties, but I’m pretty sure that it can also predict the future, increase its reader’s intelligence to genius-level, and possibly summon unicorns. I plan to use this book to construct an Iron Man suit and spend the rest of my life flying around stopping terrorists, ending wars, and promoting literacy programs in third world nations. With any luck, I shall become a God among men and reshape the world in my image.
ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and the story was pretty good, too. The beginning was a little slow. Funny ending. Great characters. Five stars.
Unrelated video of the day:
Not sure if I’ve shared this yet, but … eh, whatever. Enjoy!
Michelle Proulx - Author 
That is brilliant! “… and possibly summon unicorns.” LOL. You should totally post it on amazon!
Um … I’m pretty sure they would take it down, lol.
Post it as Sebarra.
What an original idea. 🙂
Try it! It’s fun!
What a Hoot! Love it.
Haha thanks 🙂
This review is compelling. And for some reason, makes me want to hold the book in my hands and rub it. And then return it to its master. Interesting.
Each piece of my master plan is subtle, yet when put together a terrifying pattern of literary world domination begins to appear. Choose your side!
And also … “I hadn’t felt that way since I won the County Spelling Bee back in the second grade.” Bahaha!
That was a bit of wish fulfilment on my part. I’ve never participated in nor won a spelling bee, much to my eternal dismay.
So the review contains a falsehood? Shame on you! That tarnishes an otherwise totally believable review!
I know. *hangs head in shame*
What a clever idea! I should consider reviewing my own book as well, but I’m worried about what I might say. 😉
Do it!!! I think we should start a trend. We can call it OAR – Official Author Review. Ooooh! And we can use hashtags!!!! #OAR #IDON’TUNDERSTANDHASHTAGS
When in doubt, always insert a hashtag…
That’s my personal philosophy. And it’s let me down every time.
🙂
xD While I find your review hilarious, it is also inaccurate. I’m already at chapter 11, and no such magical events have happened thus far. No boyfriends, no money, nada. I mean, I’m having quite an entertaining time, but still! Your review leaves a lot to be desired by the average reader, and unless there is a full 100% magical guarantee, I wouldn’t put out things like this. It’s just depressing. Wait, what… what’s that? A UNICORN WANDERED INTO MY APARTMENT. And its saddle bag is full of hundred-dollar bills!
BEST. BOOK. EVER.
Told ya. 😀
Celeste – I have just reached chapter six and have now gained a boyfriend. Um…help. Not what I need right now.
Trade you for your Unicorn?
Did I mention you can undo the effects if you read the book backward?
Because that’s how magic works …
“Situation our classify you would how?” tone disgruntled a in replied he…
Nope. He’s still here. How much of the chapter do I have to read? *panics*
THE ENTIRE BOOK!!! Muahahahahahaha.
BACKWARDS??
SEY! TI OD!
Also, I read your comment to my mother and she laughed quite boisterously and said, “That’s very good!!! Ahh …”
Ha ha ha, that’s me. 🙂 Handing out weird comments that make your mother chuckle at weirdos in cyber-space since 1990.
Because you are bald.
Ah, classic me, mixing up my own characters. Kraigoth would have been fine. The fact that you got Kratis alarms me. Next time we meet up, I am bringing some sort of weapon to defend myself in case you try to execute me. I’m thinking a spatula …
I recommend a soup ladle. It worked for Varrin.
I think YOU are excessively violent. That is the only logical conclusion.
I was going to, but then I remembered that no one here has read it so no one would understand what the character they got means.
Laughing hysterically. So how much do you charge for reviews. ;-P
Hahahaha. For real reviews, nothing. For fake reviews … only your SOUL!!!
Or cookies. I love me some cookies.
I believe my soul has already been . . . um . . . we won’t go there. So, cookies. I can make cookies. 🙂
Great idea. Self publish is a reality why not self review. loved it, – John
Hahaha right? Soon I’ll be self-reading, and then I can “self” the entire process!
THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!
🙂
After reading this I thought maybe I should ask you to review my book. But I am lactose tolerant, settled in with the love of my life 45 years ago and I’ve been to Jamaica. The money would be nice, of course, but I don’t want to face the obligations of saving the world, which you will have done anyway. No, I guess I’ll wait for the New York Times to do mine…though I thought you did do an outstanding job.
45 years! Wow. Congratulations!!!
So funny, Michelle! I love that Google *will* pick it up, and it will be out there as a great review. 🙂 You are a genius, and I can see your mother laughing at Celeste, because I’ve seen her laugh on your vlogs. You two are out of control! 😉
Hahaha, well, she didn’t fall over laughing this time, sadly. That honour seems largely reserved for her own jokes. And I will laugh so hard if I Google “Imminent Danger Review” and this comes up. Googling … page 3! Not too shabby. A couple dozen more hits and I’d say we’ve got a winner.
Ha ha! Cheeky but clever. And so obviously you! 😉
Hahaha are those my descriptive modifiers? Cheeky but clever? I can live with that 🙂
Well, it WAS good! 😉 I didn’t mean it to sound mediocre or anything.
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What a great idea? I might have to do this myself, if you don’t mind of course. Nice review. 🙂
Do it!!!!! This needs to become a thing. And we shall be the dauntless pioneers!
That was the best review I’ve read in quite some time. It really gave me a laugh. Behold the miracle book, haha.
Also, the Mysterious Ticking Noise is one addictive video. You can’t just watch it once! The moment where Dumbledore pops up naked… aaaawkward.
Being naked is Dumbledore’s thing, didn’t you know? 😀