Several days ago, I learned that the esteemed Sahm King has “tagged” me in his post. At first I was alarmed that he planned on shoving a bit of plastic and electronics through my ear and tracking my every movement, but then I remembered that humans aren’t livestock.
Therefore I present to you the tag rules, which are supposedly important:
- Post these rules.
- Post a photo of yourself and/or eleven random facts about yourself.
- Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
- Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
- Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they’ve been tagged.
I started answering these questions normally, but then I got bored. So instead I will answer them in the persona of one of the villains from my book: Commander Hroshk, captain of the Sriss’Ras’Kris battle ship, abductor of random high school students, and devoted fan of face-licking.
Since Commander Hroshk is an alien, no human has ever managed to capture his likeness on camera. However, Celeste DeWolfe has attempted an artistic rendition of one of his species, which will have to suffice:
The Ssrisk is the creature with all those blue arms, not the girl in the purple hoodie.
Artist: Celeste DeWolfe
Moving on to the questions. So, Hroshk …
1. What historical figure, dead, would you most prefer to meet, and why?
A pitiful beginning to your questionnaire, foolish terrestrial. We Ssrisk do not look to the past for answers — we need only see the fear in our enemy’s eyes to know the truth of matters. And the truth is that we are the Ssrisk, and we shall crush all inferior beings beneath our claws!!!
2. Who is more awesome: Superman or Goku?
I know neither of these creatures. However, I enjoy the delightful “sssss” sound of the first candidate. Let it be known here and now that Ssssuperman is the supreme winner of this contest of awesomeness!
3. What relaxes you?
Hearing the cries of the innocent, specifically when I am the cause of them. I also enjoy a nice bowl of space jelly from time to time.
4. Where is the most interesting place you’ve visited in your lifetime?
The only location in this galaxy worth mentioning is my homeplanet Ssriss. The feeling of diving into its warm cerulean waters is akin to seeing your mate polishing your egg, or feeling an enemy’s lifeblood squirt against your scales.
5. What epitaph would you like on your headstone?
Hroshk the Mighty. He came, he hissed, he conquered.
6. If you could speak any language besides the one you speak, what would it be?
Blasphemy. As if any language could compare to the inherent majesty of the Ssrisk tongue. Keep your heresies to yourself, nameless questioner.
7. You have any favorite podcasts?
If you insist on subjecting me to this torment, at least attempt to formulate questions that make logical sense. What in Kari’s name is a “podcast”?
8. Are you willing to take a bribe? If so, what is your highest preferred denomination?
Of course. Bribes are the primary form of currency in the Ssrisk military. I never go below 20,000 tetras. Favors are for the weak.
9. You have a choice in how the world ends: black hole or comet swarm. Which do you choose?
Black hole. As if a comet swarm could destroy Ssrisk. Pah! We have an orbital laser defence array in place to prevent exactly such an easily-avoidable catastrophe. What a foolish question.
10. Really, is there any problem with the pimp slap? Why?
While I do not know what a “pimp” is, I heartily approve of slapping — or any form of violence, for that matter.
11. What would you say is your motivation for waking up every day?
My motivation is simple — I wish to increase my own material wealth, spread the glory of the Ssrisk through the galaxy, and crush all inferior life forms in my claws until they grovel before me and swear eternal servitude.
I have way too much work to do, so here’s my tag: if you want to answer the following questions, consider yourself officially tagged. Here are the questions:
- Which animal would you choose to rule the world? (humans don’t count)
- Do you sing in the shower? Best song?
- Folk music — yay or nay?
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
- A historical figure comes back to life, and you have one afternoon to spend with them. Who is it, and what do you do?
- Which is cooler — flip phones or smart phones?
- If your life were a colour, what colour would it be and why?
- If you could be the author of either Twilight or Fifty Shades, which would you choose?
- When you read the number “9”, do you immediately say, “Number nine, number nine” like in that Beatles song?
- Unicorns or pegasi?
- What is the evillest corporation on this planet?
Happy tagging!
Unrelated media of the day:
Michelle Proulx - Author 
