Q and A with Voldemort

I got this idea from From Under a Rock‘s post, in which he shares a Character Questionnaire he got from Tumblr. I’m stressed out from cutting down my manuscript (although it’s actually going really well — now at 109k words! Woo!), so I decided to have some fun today.

Thus, without further ado: Q&A with Voldemort

Disclaimer: I don’t own Voldemort. JK Rowling, and possibly Warner Bros, owns everything Harry Potter-related. This is just for fun. Please don’t sue!

Hi, Voldemort, welcome to the blog. How are you feeling today?

Insolent muggle! What am I doing here? How did you break through my defences and transport me here without my knowledge? I will kill you for this!

Chill, V-man. I just want to ask you a few questions. Cool?

My body temperature is irrelevant to the current situation. Ask your questions quickly, that I might all the sooner have Nagini feed on your corpse.

Alrighty. So these questions are taken from the Character Questionnaire mentioned above. Ready?

Surely there can be no worse hell than this.

What would you do if a friend turned on you?

I do not have friends. I have only enemies, and minions.

Right, but if you *had* a friend, and they turned on you, what would you do?

Hmm. First I would have Bellatrix torture them with the Cruciatus curse for a few days, to extract information on why they would dare to betray me. Then I would kill them.

What would you do if your enemy started being nice to you?

I would have Bellatrix torture them with the Cruciatus curse for a few days, to extract information on why they are acting so strangely. Then I would kill them.

I’m starting to sense a pattern here.

Foolish muggle! How dare you attempt to comprehend the full extent of my brilliance!

My bad. Okay: what would you do if you were permanently crippled?

De-cripple myself. I am a Dark Lord of ungodly magical might. Re-attaching limbs to stumps is child’s play.

Fair enough. How about if you became president?

I would exterminate all the muggle and half bloods, and re-make the world in my image. I would devise a spell to give all snakes human-level intelligence, and they would be my lieutenants of evil. Also, Fridays would be made part of the weekend.

If you had a stand-up comedy routine, what would be your opening joke?

Avada Kedavra.

What would you do if music you didn’t like was playing?

I would destroy the source of the music. If the source was a person, I would have Bellatrix torture them with the–

Got it. What would you do if a stranger kissed you?

Avada Kedavra.

You’re a sad, lonely man, aren’t you?

My parents abandoned me in an orphanage as a small child. You do the math.

Isn’t “math” a muggle concept? Don’t you mean “arithmancy”?

Ask the next question, ingrate!

Yeah, yeah. Okay. What would you do if you heard a nearby scream?

Did I directly or indirectly cause the scream to happen?

No.

Then I would ignore it. Unless I recognized it as belonging to one of my Death Eaters, in which case I would investigate the possible intrusion into my evil lair.

That’s unexpectedly thoughtful of you, going to your minion’s aide.

Allow me to clarify: I would destroy the intruder, and then teach my incompetent, screaming Death Eater a lesson by having Bellatrix tor–

I retract my observation. All right. If you saw someone getting mugged–

I would ignore them.

If you found a wallet on the ground?

I would destroy it. Wizards do not carry wallets, thereby making it muggle, and all things muggle must be purged.

I’m pretty sure wizards have wallets. Where would they carry their galleons?

The affairs of lesser beings are none of my concern.

Okay. Here’s one that’s out of the box. If you went to a convention, and found someone dressed up as you, what would you do?

I do not know what a “convention” is. However, if I were to find a look-a-like of myself, I would assume they had taken Polyjuice Potion. I would also be extremely suspicious as to how they had acquired a piece of my genetic material. I would have Bellatrix torture every Death Eater in my employ until the traitor was discovered, and then–

Don’t tell me — have your snake eat them alive?

… Yes. How did you know?

I can read your mind. Moving on. What would you do if a baby in a basket was placed on your doorstep?

Is the baby Harry Potter?

No.

Does it look like it has the potential to become an incredibly powerful dark wizard, if I were to raise the child as my own and teach it everything I know?

Sure.

Then I would kill it. I intend to live forever, and I don’t want a rival to my throne.

Okay, last question. What would you do if a stranger complimented you on your looks?

WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?

I didn’t imply any–

YOU DARE TO INSULT MY APPEARANCE? PERHAPS BY MUGGLE STANDARDS, MY “SNAKE NOSE” AND PALE GREY SKIN MIGHT NOT BE CONSIDERED THE HEIGHT OF CURRENT BEAUTY STANDARDS, BUT I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT BELLATRIX PREFERS THE NEW ME, SHE SAID SO HERSELF, AND SHE WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME BECAUSE SHE KNOWS I WOULD KILL HER OTHERWISE!

Well, that sounds like a healthy relationship.

YOU MOCK ME FOR THE LAST TIME! AVADA KED–

BLAM.

W-what? What just happened? Why is there a piece of metal lodged in my chest? Why am I leaking blood? Why do I feel faint?

I’m a muggle. I get to use guns.

… Curses.