Face Punch — A Twilight Parody

I joined a short story club a few years back, and one week I cranked out this baby. It’s a parody of Stephanie Meyers’ Twilight series, and it … well, it’s strange. Don’t get me wrong, I actually really enjoyed the Twilight series. I just had a few issues with Bella being a constant pushover, and vented my feelings in short story format. It’s approximately 2500 words, so make sure you have enough time before you sit down and read. And yes, the simplistic writing style is on purpose.

So without further ado, I present to you: Face Punch, a Twilight Parody

Bianca dreaded going to school that morning. She had just moved from the warm, impersonal, populous city of Los Angeles to a small town called Crossroads in the middle of the Rocky Mountains. It was cold, scarily personal, and had at the most six hundred inhabitants.

She had come to live with her aunt, as her parents had died in a car crash. Bianca was rather upset with them for inconveniencing her in such a manner, especially when she was already halfway through her junior year and well established at her old school. But she supposed that it couldn’t be helped, and so she had said goodbye to her drug-addled friends and gone to live in Nowheresville, USA.

When she arrived at school, the first thing she noticed was that all the boys in the parking lot were staring at her, and all the girls in the parking lot were glaring at her. This surprised and bewildered Bianca, for despite the fact that she was stunningly attractive and was therefore lusted after by every boy she had ever met, she was astonishingly unobservant, and therefore had always thought herself quite drab.

“Excuse me,” Bianca said to one of the gawking gentlemen. “Could you please tell me how to find room 207?”

The freckled, blonde boy favoured her with a toothy grin and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “But of course! This way, new girl. Hey, what’s your name?”

“Bianca,” said Bianca.

“That’s a pretty name. To match a pretty girl, I’d say! I’m Matt,” added Matt. “So, you’re new here, huh?”

“How observant of you,” said Bianca. As they walked, Matt introduced her to all his friends, who fawned over her and demanded to know every intimate detail of her life, hobbies, and past flings. “I’ve never had a boyfriend,” Bianca admitted.

“But why?” her new friends cried. “You’re so mysterious and pale, despite your previous home of sunny L.A.!”

“I suppose boys just don’t go for girls like me,” said Bianca. She had the feeling that no boys here would like her either, for she had deep self-deprecation issues. Somehow she failed to notice that every boy in earshot was hanging off her every word, and imagining how they could contrive to get her into bed.

When they arrived in math class, her new friends hurried to their seats. Bianca was glad for their departure. Although they seemed to be perfectly nice, smart, friendly people, she was anti-social and had a superiority complex. Not that she would ever admit such a thing to herself.

“Ah, I see we have a new girl!”

Bianca, who was still standing uncomfortably by the front of the room, turned to see that the teacher had arrived. He was fairly nondescript; eye-coloured eyes, hair-coloured hair, and a largish nose. “You must be Bianca Fowl,” he said happily. Even though he was male, he did not immediately begin lusting after her because Bianca was underage, and pedophilia is illegal.

“Please, call me Bia,” she said, needlessly shortening her name so that her new pseudo-friends would have a cute nickname to call her by.

“I’m Mr. Blah,” said Mr. Blah, gazing around the classroom. “I see we only have one seat available. Why don’t you go sit next to Gottfried Worcestershire?”

He pointed towards the aforementioned teen, but Bianca needed no directions. When she turned to catch a glimpse of her new seatmate, she was immediately blown away by his overwhelming good looks and masterful presence. Gottfried stared out the window, brown hair falling handsomely into his eyes, hands clenching and unclenching for some unknown reason. As Bianca approached him and the empty desk, Gottfried’s chiselled jaw tightened and he turned to glare at her with such fury that she faltered in shock.

Why is he glaring at me? she thought, carefully sitting down beside him. He looks like he wants to kill me… or possibly drag me out into the forest, have his maleficent way with me, then rip out my intestines and throw me off a precipice. Goodness, I certainly hope that doesn’t happen.

Then Gottfried turned toward her, and Bianca stared into his eyes for the first time. They were like a sparkly, captivating rainbow. Her heart began to beat faster, and Bianca knew in that instant that, even though she had never spoken to this boy, and even though he to all intents and purposes appeared to hate her guts, she had fallen instantly and irrevocably in love with him.

Through the whole class, Bianca stared at Gottfried, knowing that he was dangerous, but also knowing that she would rather die than ever leave his side again. But when the bell rang, Gottfried got to his feet, leaped over the desk, and dashed out of the classroom without so much as a backwards look.

“Geez,” Matt said charmingly, coming over to help Bianca put her books away. “What’s up with Worcestershire?”

“I don’t know,” Bianca said. But she did know that she had to find out more about the elusive Gottfried. “Listen, Matt, I have to go.”

Matt looked upset, but still managed a smile. “Hey, Bia, how about we go out this Friday? I’ll get you flowers and everything.”

“I’m sorry, Matt, but I can’t,” said Bianca.

“Why not?”

“Because I am only attracted to men who glower, ignore me, and are so emotionally distant and dangerous that they nearly get me killed on a regular basis.” Bianca tried to look like she cared about Matt’s feelings as she patted him on the shoulder. “Try joining a gang. That might just be crazy enough for me to like you.”

“See if I don’t,” Matt said. He immediately began practicing his gangster speak. It was a little rough, but had potential.

Bianca decided to go find Gottfried. She hurried to the parking lot, where she spotted Gottfried walking away from the school toward the forest. Bianca hurried after him and caught him up just deep enough into the trees that no one would hear her scream if, by some unbelievably unlikely coincidence, he turned out to be a vampire.

“You have to stop following me,” Gottfried said roughly, turning to face her. Bianca tried to concentrate on his words, but she was too busy imagining kissing him. “Bia, when I’m around you… I feel like I can’t control myself.”

“Let’s be friends,” suggested Bianca.

Gottfried scowled at her. “I’m dangerous. Also, I just told you that I can’t control myself around you.”

“So you don’t want to be friends?”

“I want so much more than that. But we can only be friends.”

“Great! Then we’ll be friends.”

Gottfried turned away. “No, Bia, I can’t. It’s too dangerous.”

“But you just said—”

“I’m a vampire, alright?” he snarled. Gottfried turned and leapt into the sunlight. “Look at me! How could you ever be with a monster like me? RAHHHHHH!”

Bianca watched as he tore his shirt off. He had very nicely developed pectorals and biceps. Then the sunlight struck his skin, but instead of burning into a crisp as vampires are want to do, he began to glow like phosphorescent cave fungus. “You’re so beautiful,” said Bianca.

“And so the tiger fell in love with the koala,” murmured Gottfried.

“What?”

“We can’t just be friends,” said Gottfried. “I love you, Bia.”

“Then let’s be more than friends,” said Bianca. “Also, why didn’t you burn up in the sun?”

“Because I don’t make any sense. Now come with me. Our everlasting love deserves a celebration. It’s time to meet my family.”

“But I just met you,” protested Bianca, although it was only a mild protest, as she was hopelessly in love with the devastatingly attractive teenage vampire, and therefore would do anything to please him.

Gottfried grabbed her and, with his super vampire speed, ran them through the forest to his surprisingly modern house. “Where is the moat?” Bianca said cutely. Gottfried chuckled and showed her to the front door, taking vast amusement in her insipid statement because he, like every other boy she had ever met, was completely dazzled by her. And despite his being much older than her, he was allowed to date her, because the laws of the United States of America didn’t apply to him due to his extreme handsomeness.

They walked into the house, only to find the lavishly decorated living room filled with balloons and various other party accoutrements. Gottfried’s family – all witty, charming, and devastatingly attractive like him – smiled and welcomed her into their family. Bianca was touched, and did not feel at all uncomfortable with being surrounded by six blood-sucking vampires who had no logical reason not to devour her right there and then.

“Here, Bia, have a present,” said Gottfried’s mother, handing Bianca a paper-wrapped gift. Bianca accepted the box and started to open it.

“Ouch!” she exclaimed, having cut her finger on the unnaturally sharp paper.

Gottfried’s brother suddenly snarled and leapt for her, driven mad by the smell of blood and intent on ripping out her throat. “Nooo!” cried Gottfried. “We’re vegans, get a hold of yourself!” His eyes twinkled as he delivered this witty quip.

When it was clear that Gottfried’s brother had no self-control, Gottfried saved Bianca from her impending doom by throwing her through the window. Through the haze of pain and broken glass, Bianca was vaguely able to make out Gottfried pinning his brother to the floor and beating him senseless.

After Gottfried’s surgeon father stitched her up, Bianca was as good as new. But Gottfried had a dark look in his eyes. He dragged her back out into the forest, and turned to her with a serious frown. “This will never work,” he said.

“What do you mean?” cried Bianca, because she was overly emotional and enjoyed passionate outbursts.

“You got a paper cut, and it almost killed you,” he said. “We can’t be together.”

“What if you just gave me presents in gift bags from now on? Or, I could wear gloves.”

“I love you too much,” Gottfried continued nobly. “And that is why I have to leave you.”

Bianca crumpled to the ground, unable to believe what she was hearing. “But I love you!”

“Well, I don’t love you,” he said cruelly.

It didn’t occur to Bianca that Gottfried had just directly contradicted himself. “Don’t leave me!” she begged. “You’re my everything!”

“I’m leaving. You’ll never see me again. Don’t do anything stupid,” he told her, then vanished.

Bianca was devastated. Even though Gottfried was a vampire and therefore obviously the complete wrong choice for her, Bianca had fallen in love with him and was therefore incapable of ever moving on and actually enjoying her life.

For the next few months she sat in her room, crying hysterically over Gottfried’s departure. When her aunt tried to console her, Bianca would get even more unmanageable. Her aunt tried to explain that Bianca was behaving irrationally, and that such all-consuming love was unhealthy and, frankly, a tad disturbing, but Bianca knew that her love for Gottfried was special, and therefore that the regular rules didn’t apply to her.

Eventually she moved on, returned to her quasi-friends, and even started to hang out with a muscular boy named Simon who tended to go around shirtless a lot. After a needless amount of wheedling and begging, he told her that he was a werewolf, which did not at all surprise Bianca. She had spent an entire day in the company of a vampire, after all; how much worse could a ravenous beast with inch long fangs possibly be?

Then she got a call from Gottfried’s sister. “Gottfried can’t stand living without you anymore, so he’s gone to kill himself!” his sister sobbed over the phone.

“Don’t worry,” Bianca said. “I’ll save him! Because even though he broke my heart and basically ruined my life, I’m still madly in love with him and would risk anything for him.”

“Well,” said his sister, “he is drop-dead gorgeous.”

“Exactly,” said Bianca. “Where is he?”

After learning that Gottfried was in a nearby town, about to expose his glowing fungus-like skin in the sunlight and thus reveal his true nature, Bianca hopped in her car and hurried to find him. His plan was very convoluted, and apparently involved provoking some all-knowing vampire aristocracy into killing him, but Bianca wasn’t very intelligent, and therefore decided to focus on simply stopping Gottfried from glowing in public.

She got there just in time, and tackled Gottfried into the shadows of a conveniently placed alley before he exposed his true nature to the world. “What are you, crazy?” she cried. “Why did you try to kill yourself?”

“Because I thought you were dead,” said Gottfried, looking pale and unwashed, but still unbearably handsome.

Bianca was beginning to suspect that Gottfried wasn’t very intelligent either, but she quickly forgot her qualms after staring into his sparkly eyes. “I guess I’ll go, then,” she said, realizing that he had, after all, dumped her and told her that he never wanted to see her again. But when she turned to go, Gottfried grabbed her arm.

“Wait,” he said. “Where are you going?”

Bianca turned to face him. “You told me that you were leaving. That you didn’t love me. That you never wanted to see me again.”

“I lied,” said Gottfried.

Wondering if she had heard him right, Bianca said, “Excuse me?”

“I loved you so much that I had to let you go,” he explained. “I’m dangerous, and I can’t put you in danger.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” she informed him.

“But now that it’s become clear that I can’t stay away from you, I’ll never leave your side again,” Gottfried said earnestly. “I love you, Bia.”

Bianca stared at him, unable to believe what she was hearing. “I’m sorry, what? You break my heart, leave me sobbing on the ground in a forest, take off for three months without contacting me once, make me chase after you to save your life, then tell me you love me and expect everything to instantly be forgiven?”

Gottfried was taken aback. Why hadn’t she thrown herself into his arms and demanded that he take her there and then? He adjusted his stance so that the full force of his manliness and sheer awesomeness was clearly visible to the shouting girl. There was no way she could possibly resist that. “I love you,” he repeated. “And I’ve returned because I’m not strong enough to stay away from you. Come, let’s go off to a deserted island and make mad, passionate love, after which I will lecture you about your eternal soul for a few weeks, impregnate you with my demon spawn, and then change you into a vampire.”

Bianca frowned at Gottfried. “Um, hello? Did you not hear me? You ditched me, you asshole. I’m not just going to forgive you and take you back like nothing happened!”

“B-but…” stammered Gottfried. “But I’m brooding, emotional, possessive, and controlling. How could you not love me?”

“Get bent,” said Bianca.

Gottfried kissed her.

Bianca punched him in the face.

“But I love you!” Gottfried cried.

“Well, I’ve suddenly grown a spine,” snapped Bianca. “Go f**k yourself, Gottfried. I’m moving to the city, going to college, and moving on with my life. Vampires are lame.”

Bianca walked away, leaving Gottfried grovelling and snivelling in the dirt.

“To be, or not to be,” Gottfried said, quoting Shakespeare because he was strong, fast, smart, and well-read. “Goodbye, Bia. I cannot live without you. Maybe I should have realized that before I dumped you and ran off. Alas.”

Gottfried used his laser eyes to start a forest fire, ripped off his own head, and threw himself into the flames.

THE END

Thanks for reading 🙂 Let me know what you thought!

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Categories: My Works, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

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12 thoughts on “Face Punch — A Twilight Parody

  1. Ahhhh, this was GREAT. I liked the “But why?” her new friends cried. “You’re so mysterious and pale, despite your previous home of sunny L.A.!” the best. Thanks for the laugh.

  2. This is hilarious. There’s far too many excellent, funny, clever bits to quote in a space-efficient fashion, but I especially admire the references to how insane the relationship/love development is.

    • Thanks! I remember reading Twilight for the first time and thinking “Really? You love him already? It’s been, what, a week?”

      • I knew girls in high school that could fall in “love” in that time frame. Their relationships were so short, though, they celebrated weekly anniversaries, and a month was “forever.”

  3. Twilight was the only book in the series I read…I remember reading the book and trying very, very hard not to laugh. It didn’t work.

  4. Ha! Love it. I did not, on the other hand, love Twilight. That’s time out my life I’m never getting back.

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